I have two other kids, too

You'd think I forgot about my two existing children with the way I have completely ignored them on this blog as of late. But oh boy, are they pissed about the lack of attention. They told me so. So I promised them I would update the world about how awesome they are.

(If you're here for a pregnancy update, still pregnant, still contracting on an irregular basis but nothing that seems to be causing cervical change and still complaining all over the damn place about being nine-plus months pregnant and how unfair it is I have to do things like get out of bed in the morning and go grocery shopping. Josh is not swayed by arguments about these injustices. In fact, he laughs at me and tries to mimic my whining. Whatever.)

Let's start with Miss Emily Jean. This weekend she was trying to get my attention while I was surfing the Internet saving orphans in India and when I didn't snap to attention in 2.5 seconds, she started screaming, "Mom-MY, mom-MY!" And just like that, I went from Mama to Mommy. Of course that got my attention and resulted in tons of positive reinforcement like smiles and clapping on my part, so now she just screams "MOM-MYYYYYY" when she wants something. That's so many kinds of awesome I can't even describe it.

Emmie also caught an awesome cold this weekend, so she's snotting all over the place and leaving a trail of mucus in her wake. When she's not running away from me and my weapon of mass destruction (Kleenex), she's waking up in the middle of the night because she can't breathe. I really hope this keeps up because if there's one thing I don't need when I'm nine-plus months pregnant, it's a full night's sleep.

She also enjoyed her Thanksgiving. She really enjoyed her second helping of air and her third serving of whole milk. The turkey, stuffing, potatoes and broccoli she spit out and threw on the ground? Don't even mention it. No big deal.

Jackson, however, was a pure delight at the holiday table. Seriously. He sat in a regular chair (no booster) and ate politely, asked for more of everything, participated in conversation and cleaned up after himself. I have never seen a better-behaved almost-4-year-old. I complimented him numerous times and told him what a big boy he was. It was so enjoyable. Too bad his sister screamed "Oooouuuuuutttttttt" for 20 minutes at the top of her lungs.

He also attended his first circus this weekend with Josh and another friend and her dad, and a good time was had by all. He came home with a toy four-wheeler and stories about elephants and tigers and a magician. Josh came home with tales of $10 lemonades. Needless to say, Jack drank a beverage from home.

Jack returned to school today, fresh off his four-day break, excited to see his friends and teachers. When he scrambled into the car and started telling me about his day, he recounted what must have been a highlight, considering it made it into the first five minutes of the recap.

"Mommy, I went poop on the potty at school today," he said.

"Wow, that's... great? Did anyone help you?" I asked tentatively.

"No. I wiped myself," he said. "I did a good job."

"Well that's good," I said.

"I checked with my finger after. It was all clean."

Well then. Awesome. I asked if he washed his hands and he told me he used hand sanitizer. Sweet lord, I really hope he was just forgetting the part about using soap and water.

In other holiday news, Mr. Helpful Jack also assisted in the assembly and decoration of the Christmas tree this weekend. He found all the color-coded pieces and handed them to me in the correct order, which was all kinds of awesome because Mommy can't bend over and this made it so much easier. He helped Josh with the lights, but was disappointed when I told him we couldn't put ornaments on because I have a no-ornament policy with an almost 2-year-old in the house. But he was excited to see his handiwork completed when the tree was lit up in the darkened living room.

All in all, it was an enlightening weekend.

Competent beyond belief

My incompetent cervix has finally decided to get its damn act together and get in line. In what can only be described as karma gone wrong, it has suddenly decided to cowboy up and do its job.

I have not dilated any further after last Friday's cerclage removal and incredulously, the baby's head appears to have possibly moved up instead of down. My OB officially listed me at 1 cm dilated, 30 percent effaced and -3 station. Which means a turkey baby is a very slim possibility.

Not that this disappoints me in any way, because I am really not ready to pop this kid out this week, but I am sure all you people who guessed this weekend are cursing my cervix and its sudden competency.

I was also somewhat chagrined to find out all those painful contractions on Monday made not one iota of difference. It was all for nothing. Which makes me look forward to more days like that in the coming two weeks.

Apparently WeeBey is content and happy in there and has commanded the cervix to stay the course. We all know my water could break in the next minute and render all of this a moot point, but for now, no sign of impending labor.

I hope you and yours have a joyous Thanksgiving filled with turkey, gobs of butter, apple pie and football. I plan to enjoy seconds and thirds of everything -- I mean how often do you have official license to pig out in such a manner?

Celebrate your freedom

In our house, Emmie plans to spend the Fourth of July holiday celebrating her freedom from tyranny. Case in point:


Oh look, the two kids are sitting so nicely together! But that foot looks a little menacing...



Ohhhhhh shit, I better get out of the way. I am not going down like that.



Oh yeah? Here's a poke in the eye. How you like THAT, huh? HUH?



Hug it out bitches.



Aaaand we're back to sitting nicely. That was quick.

Happy Independence Day to you and yours. Hopefully you'll enjoy the long weekend, a small parade, some cold beers, a hot bratwurst and the annoying firecrackers that will go off outside your bedroom window for hours on end.

Egg-cellent

Many years ago, when it was still just my sister and I participating in the annual Easter Egg Hunt, my parents hid the eggs so well one year that we could not find the 12th -- and final -- egg. After a longer-than-normal search, my dad announced whoever found the damn thing would win a dollar. He would clearly have rather paid us than come home to the smell of a rotting egg in a few days, which was fine by us.

A tradition was born that morning: the Dollar Egg. No special egg is given the designation, it's simply the last egg found. You locate it, you get the dollar. Over the years, we have added boyfriends and spouses to the mix. Notice I did not say we added children, because even though we do have children, they are not allowed to take part in the adult egg hunt. They get their own eggs to search for and then have to be barricaded in a safe spot, lest they be trampled in the frenzy.

During his first year as part of the search party, Josh actually cheated by holding several eggs in his arms and not telling anyone how many he had found. New rules had to be established after that. He's always one for finding a way around the rules, that Josh.

I won it two years ago and in my usual understated manner, leaped into the air and screamed "I FOUND IT" at the top of my lungs, then ran laps around my parents' condo with my arms raised. I am what's known as a Gracious Winner.

Five years ago, my parents had a plaque made up and each year, the winner's name is inscribed on said plaque and that person gets to display it in his or her home for the remainder of the year. (I told you this was serious business.) We have been known to stretch before the event and there may or may not have been a year where someone was tackled and F-bombs were dropped. Yes, F-bombs on the morning of the resurrection of our lord. Nothing is sacred in our family.

Last year, my sister won after her boyfriend, in his first year of participation, blocked me out of the closet and she snuck under his arm to find the Dollar Egg. It was total bullshit and I filed a grievance. That was also the year they showed up with matching headbands and sweatbands. Idiots. Everyone knows it's all about the tube socks.

This year, I looked in the closet and found nothing when Josh followed in my footsteps and emerged victorious. Again, total bullshit. But the rightful owners of the family Easter Egg Plaque retook possession of said plaque. While I might not have won, Josh did, and that's almost as good as winning because it means we shut my sister and Kevin out. What's up now bitches? Huh? HUH?


My dad, Josh, the dollar, the plaque and the egg. I am so proud.

Oh yeah, we had some kids who celebrated Easter, too.


Emmie finds the first egg. In fairness to Jack, hers IS located in plain sight on the couch. But still.

Jack sees his first egg in a normally forbidden spot. Notice he has no problem going into said forbidden spot.

We're getting candy! Wait, what? No candy? Bullshit.

Jack learns how Easter egg dye looks on your hands.

He's only pretending to like her in the hopes we'll give him some of our candy.

Rad disguise.

Emmie feels the need to try them on, too.

Hippity hoppity, Easter's on its way

In my little parenting world, seeing the Easter bunny is a rite of spring. I see peeps on the shelves and I know it's time to see the big white bunny at the mall. Scared children? No worries. That which does not kill them...

We set off for the mall this morning, bright and early, to have our audience with his rabbitness. I was fully prepared to fork over my $15 for a photo, because then I would be allowed to take my own pictures as well. If there's one thing I have learned in the last three years, it's that there is no price too large for the entertainment of my readers.

Jack had a headstart with Grandma as I had to stop to return something first. When I finally got to the rabbit hutch (OK, it was an oversize wicker chair) Jack was almost jumping out of his skin with excitement. Emmie took one look at where I was taking her and started trying to jump over my shoulder.

Oh but this is a rite of passage, my dear girl. You will get a picture with the Easter bunny.

Jack posed nicely and smiled, Emmie tried valiantly to slither out of the bunny's arms and off his lap. Then she just wailed and covered her face with her hands. She couldn't stand to look.

No amount of cajoling could cheer her up while she was in the rabbit's death grip, so we ended the visit and went on our merry ways. Emmie will need therapy for a fear of furry mascots when she's an adult, but we'll deal with that later. At least I know she won't grow up to indulge in one of those weird furry fetishes that I read about a few years ago in Vanity Fair. I am still scarred from that piece myself.

As I was assuming the position for the mall employee to bend me over (see: price increase this year to $19.99 for the cheapest photo) I asked if we had to buy the picture. You know, just for giggles. The poor little college girl, obviously a photography major working on some artistic animal/human still life shots for her portfolio, looked at me blankly and said, "No?" (Emphasis on the question mark, because she was an up-talker.)

I smiled and thanked her as I ran away as quickly as possible, lest she change her mind. Thank you oh gods of Snickers eggs and malted milk robin's eggs, someone is looking out for me in these times of economic crisis.


Jack looks for a way to get some candy without Emmie ruining it all.

It was a good year

Emmie (rocking her new hairstyle) and Jack (rocking his shameless commercialism) would like to wish you all a Happy New Year!

When 2008 dawned, I was trying my best not to go into labor while Josh was at the Rose Bowl. We had one child and a multi-unit house.

As 2008 draws to a close, we have a single-family house that is home to two kids. This year has been very good for us both personally and professionally. But we are most thankful for our family, friends and good health.

I wish all of you a Happy New Year! Now I am off to eat Mexican food and drink some adult beverages, followed by a morning of sleeping in. Apparently, 2009 is going to start off on the right foot as the children are sleeping over at Grandma and Grandpa's house!

Merry Christmas from all of us at Snarky Mommy

Santa was good to us this year. Hope you and yours had a delightful holiday.

Hap-happiest time of the year

Oh my lord am I wiped out and Christmas is still three days away.

This past weekend we had a family wedding, so that meant a rehearsal dinner on Friday, ceremony and reception on Saturday and brunch on Sunday. It was also Josh's family Hannukah party right after the brunch. Then we went to my sister-in-law's house for dinner on Sunday night. After we got home from that, I wrapped all our presents for two hours before falling into bed.

Jack slept over at Grandma and Grandpa's house last night, but I realized this morning I should have suggested Emmie go instead because at least you can get stuff done with Jack around because he'll either help or play nicely by himself. Emmie just crawls around behind me when I am getting stuff done and screeches until I pick her up or play with her. It makes me feel quite popular, but also a little creeped out because I now have a second shadow.

After cleaning two bathrooms and the kitchen, doing some laundry, packing everything for Josh's family Christmas, arranging all the presents for our family under the tree, buying all the ingredients for Christmas morning breakfast (since we won't be home until the late hours of Christmas Eve and grocery store options are non-existent the next morning) and getting all the presents in order for my family's Christmas, I finally packed clothes and whatnot for all of us and packed up the car. Yes, by myself. Someone was working.

The last thing I had to do was make the ice cream pie to take to my family's Christmas dinner on Thursday. I needed to let the ice cream soften (Baskin Robbins' hand-packed Mint Chocolate Chip, the pre-pack tastes totally different, so it's worth the extra cash) and then spread it around in one of those pre-made Oreo cookie crusts. I am fancy like that. As I tried to brush some of the loose crumbs into the sink, the whole crust slid out and smashed into a million pieces. All righty then. I ran to the store to get another one, thus delaying our departure and Emmie's nap. And of course, they didn't have any. So now I am just going to take the half-gallon of ice cream and six spoons -- Merry F-ing Christmas, you'll eat it and like it.

As usual, things are crazy and go-go-go and I am pretty sure we had three fights just getting out of the damn house. Apparently I should learn to walk through doors instead of opening them and leaving them propped open as I carry all the presents and luggage and computer bags and diaper bags and portable high chairs and snacks outside to the car BY MYSELF when it's 2 degrees. But I digress.

What's your holiday preparation schedule looking like?

Ho ho ho!

Everybody loves Santa! This is great!


Emmie: Wait a minute, who the HELL is this dude and what am I doing on his lap?
Jack: Emmie, shut the hell up or he won't bring us any toys!


Emmie: Mommy! I don't want presents. I want you!
Jack: Emmie, seriously, I can't carry us both here. I want presents, knock it off.


Sorry about that dude, she's crazy. Now, about those presents...


Santa, I really don't want to pull your finger. Seriously. Just no. OK, OK, just once.


Why yes, I AM wearing a mink coat with a baby peeking out of it. It's freaking 10 degrees.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Gobble, gobble all you pilgrims.

Today I am thankful for my children, my husband, the rest of our families and our good health. May you and yours enjoy your turkey and pie and football.

At school last week, they asked all the kids what they were thankful for and posted the one-word answers on the door. Almost every child answered, "Mommy and Daddy." My kid? He said "school." Brownnoser.

What are you thankful for this year?

Stop 1 on the Turkey Train

Today was our first Thanksgiving dinner of the season. We do Thanksgiving at my parents' house on Wednesday, which allows us to go to Josh's family Thanksgiving on Thursday without any conflicts. We began our journey north to Wisconsin this afternoon, continuing on with a stop in Peoria tomorrow.

There was great excitement during this, Emmie's first Turkey Day: the fire department almost joined us for dinner. There was a (minor) kitchen fire during the preparation. One minute I was grabbing something from my bag in the other room and the next I hear a huge commotion and my mom screaming, "Dave! Dave you started it on fire! No, not there. Just put it down!"

Appparently the disposable pan in which my mom was roasting the turkey had a hole in it. That allowed the grease to drip out and onto the bottom of the stove, where it started smoking and eventually caught fire. When my dad tried to put it out, the towel caught fire and all hell broke loose.

Luckily, the turkey was safe. Oh, and my dad was fine, too. Although my first instinct was to yell, "Stop, drop and roll!" Not so much useful in this scenario, but good to know my instincts will be spot on if I ever catch on fire myself.

Hoppy Easter!

For once, we spent a holiday in our own house and there was no driving of any kind involved! Josh's family came to our house for Easter brunch this year and my family isn't celebrating until two weeks from now because my sister went on vacation. So Jack looked for eggs and baskets and Emmie just watched from her swing. It was a delightful and laidback day. I even made quiche! From scratch! All-organic! I am awesome. And fat. But there was spinach in it, so that made it healthy right?

Anyway, I couldn't resist the picture. Jack made some ears and a tail in his art class and loves to wear them and Emmie is too little to stop me from doing these embarassing things yet.

Farewell 2007

What a crazy year this was. I'm not usually one to get all retrospective at New Year's, I'm more of a "look forward" kind of gal, but I am throwing caution to the wind this year.

Jack turned 1, I lost my job, I got pregnant, we started SnarkyBabies, Josh started a new project in Michigan, I got morning sickness, I stayed sick for the like the whole entire summer, I had a preventative cerclage placed, Josh was off the project in Michigan, we went to France, I was in the hospital with the flu and then it was the holidays. Look at that, 2007 summed up in less than 75 words.

As we get ready to usher in 2008, however, I find myself pretty excited. When people ask if I am excited about the baby coming, I usually reply, "No. I am terrified."

But truth be told, there is a little glimmer of excitement in there too. I can't wait to push her out and have her here and see Jack's face when he meets her. I think things will be all right, after a little adjustment period, and I am confident I will be able to handle motherhood squared.

So goodbye 2007, hello 2008!

Merry Christmas and all that jazz

I won't go into the ridiculousness that is our holiday travel schedule yet again, but suffice it to say we spent nine hours driving hither and yon over two days. But it was a very nice holiday and Santa was very good to everyone.

Jack got a ridiculous amount of toys and clothes, Girl Baby hauled home probably more loot than any of us and she's still in utero, Josh got his Guitar Hero 3 game that I spent 10 days stalking the sales guy at Best Boy for and I got some new shiny diamond earrings that are so big I might tip a little bit when I walk. We are all spoiled brats.


Mom, I know it's Christmas but I haven't even had my coffee yet.

We're still recovering from all the holiday hoopla and believe it or not, I got sick again! I know! I never got better from the initial cold I have now had for eight consecutive weeks, so my OB took pity on me and my hacking and sniffling today and gave me an antibiotic. I swear I took the first dose this afternoon and I am feeling better already.

In other OB/GYN news, I had my 35-week appointment today and it was an interesting one all right. I gained 5 pounds (WTF? In two and a half weeks? Am I mainlining ice cream? Oh wait, I actually am. Shit. Moving on.) and my blood pressure is just sliiightly high for me. Not high for a regular person at all, but I hope it was just because I was kept waiting for 90 minutes and not because it's deciding to whack out.

While there, I asked my doctor if you always dilate and/or efface sooner or more quickly with second pregnancies. She said yes, or as "always" as anything can be when it comes to pregnancy. So I asked her, "Do you think I am going to make it to the 22nd?" Her answer: "No."

Whaaaat???? No! This can not be! I want to manage my birth. I didn't sign up for any labor!

So looks like our plans might be altered somewhat when it comes to the two weeks between the cerclage removal and what I am now referring lovingly to as my "hypothetical" induction date. Josh will have to work from home and I would imagine I will walk around feeling like a ticking time bomb who could leak fluid in a shocking gush at any time.

I know you are all waiting on pins and needles for those two weeks worth of posts.

Ho ho NO!

We saw Tanta last week (that's Santa to all you non-Jack speakers) and, well, I will just let these pictures speak for themselves.


Daddy, that is so fake. That is not a real tree. I am not an idiot.


Oh boy, this is great! They have singing bears!


Pay no attention to the sign directing children not to sit on the exhibit.


Since when do elves wear sequined hats? I guess since Marshall Fields switched to Macy's. Lame.


Well howdy Santa. I have heard lots about you.


NO! What the hell is this? Get me outta here. I am turning to jelly and slithering out of his arms, that should work.


I'll just be over here, keeping my distance.


Check out this stuffed dog, Santa. I will show it to you.


What the hell is this? I said NO. Get away Mommy. You suck.


I don't want any presents. Leave me alone!

Pass the stuffing

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

I have to say, I am thankful for many things this year. My family, this pregnancy, my friends and most of all, maternity pants after a big turkey dinner.

Seriously, what better time to be pregnant than on the biggest eating holiday of the year? I had seconds and two desserts and I am feeling no guilt.

As an aside, there was snow on the ground when we woke up this morning. We took Jack outside all bundled up and he didn't know what to make of it. He sort of shuffled around in the white stuff and looked confused. Which reminds me, I need to get him some boots.

Helliday travels

I have bitched about our holiday travels on many occasions, but any of you who missed it, I shall recap again today.

We live in Chicago. My family lives in Milwaukee. Josh's family lives in Peoria. Milwaukee and Peoria are separated by a 3:45 ride. Chicago is kind of in the middle, but not really, as it only takes us 90 minutes door to door to my parents' condo and about 2:45 to Josh's parents' house.

So we end up spending a good chunk of each and every holiday in the car. We can't not go to one if we go to the other and especially with the child, we just don't have the option of staying home.

The one-day holidays (Thanksgiving and Easter) we've arbitrarily made into two-day holidays in our families. We do Thanksgiving with my family on Wednesday and with Josh's family on Thursday. For Easter, we have started doing Josh's family on Saturday (and really, does a family that celebrates both Passover and Easter care that Jesus hasn't techinically risen and saved us by Saturday?) and my family on Sunday.

Christmas is split up thusly: we drive to Peoria on Christmas Eve morning and open presents with Josh's immediate family. Then we spend Christmas Eve evening with his extended family. Then we pile into the car and drive almost two-and-a-half hours to Chicago, where we spend the night and celebrate Christmas morning at our house just the three of us. Then we get in the car and drive to my parents' house, where we open presents and have dinner. Then we drive home again, where I collapse from sheer exhaustion and try to drink a bottle of wine by myself.

This year, we had the added fly in the ointment of a family wedding in Peoria the weekend before Thanksgiving. So this will be our driving log for the week:
Saturday: Amy and Josh drive to Peoria.
Sunday: Amy drives back to Chicago, Josh stays in Peoria to work in Bloomington.
Monday: Amy and Jack get ride to Milwaukee with Grandpa.
Tuesday: Josh drives back to Chicago.
Wednesday: Josh drives from Chicago to Milwaukee.
Thursday: Amy, Josh and Jack drive from Milwaukee to Peoria.
Saturday: Amy, Josh and Jack drive from Peoria to Chicago.
Monday: Josh drives to Bloomington.

Did I add that it's snowing today? And that I am doing all this car travel when I am 30 weeks pregnant? And that we're expected to do all this again in a few weeks when I am 35 weeks pregnant? Can you tell how much I love this?