We finally learned our lesson

We have two cars. One, our SUV, is used primarily by me to ferry the children hither and yon and for all our general family-car needs. The other, Josh's 1999 Acura with 167,000 miles on it, is used primarily by him if he is working in town or by one of us running an errand during naptime without any kids.

For the last two months, Josh's car has sat in front of the house on the street. Through several snowstorms and the general yuck of a highly-trafficked street, it just hung out, looking like a fine 11-year-old piece of automobile. We moved it a few times to go places, but for the most part, it was just sitting there. Actually, it was the car we took to the hospital when I was in labor, so that was a pretty significant trip. And come to think of it, a pretty significant reason to wash it.

Last week I had the pleasure of driving Josh's car, which I liken to being a Flintstone because after driving an SUV for four years, I feel like my feet could just run along under the car. I tried to look in the side mirror when I pulled out into traffic and couldn't see anything but grunge. How helpful.

I finally had the time to hit the carwash this week, and came home very proud of the cleanliness. I forgot the real color of that car and how nice it looks when it's all shiny and spiffed up.

Unfortunately, because I left in the middle of the day, I lost the rockstar parking in front of the house. So I parked on a sidestreet a half-block away and figured I would move it when I had a chance. But with three kids in the house, I didn't get the chance.

Yesterday, just two days after I parked it there, I noticed the door was not shut all the way when I drove by. Uh-oh, I thought, someone's been in there.

Longtime readers know we've had not one but two GPS devices stolen in the last three years and the two cars have been broken into a combined four times. And thanks to that, we've gotten smart. We never leave anything in the car and Josh actually leaves his car unlocked. Partly because he doesn't want people breaking the windows to get in and partly because his car alarm doesn't work and goes off randomly if the car is locked. Which is awesome fun for the neighbors at 3 a.m.

When I investigated further, I saw the contents of the glovebox all over the front seat. But HA HA on the would-be thieves, there was nothing in the car to take. Not even loose change. And because we leave the doors unlocked, we didn't have to pay for any broken windows. Score for us! It was such a non-event I didn't even call Josh to tell him. I just mentioned it in passing when we chatted last night.

Josh was disappointed they didn't try to take the whole car. That would have been infinitely more helpful, he said. Maybe next time.

No forgiving those who trespass against me

I was all excited to post about Emmie finally sleeping through the night last night (7:15 p.m.-7:15 a.m.! Whoo!) and also finally saying "mama" this morning. Hello, two huge things within the first 10 minutes I was awake. It was almost a little too much.

But an intruder was in my house this afternoon. Yes, you read that correctly. Somone I did not know walked into my house and would have stolen something had I not been sitting in the living room WHEN IT HAPPENED.

Let me preface this by saying everyone is fine. No one was hurt. The kids were sleeping upstairs and there was a contractor here working, so I wasn't actually alone. But holy shit, it scared the hell out of me.

After the kids went down for their naps, I had an electrician here installing an outdoor outlet. He was parked in front of the house, so he had left the gate open while he was going back and forth to his truck. Because he was working from an outlet inside the house, he left the front door downstairs open.

While he was lying on the floor working on the wiring, a girl walked in the door downstairs. This means she walked down the porch steps to get there, so it was no accident she was inside the door. He told me he inquired as to what she needed and she told him she knew the people that lived in the house.

She then proceded to walk right up the stairs, which lead to the kitchen. I know she walked up the stairs because he told me she did, and I found the wet footprints that ended at the top, right where the hardwood floor begins. The tracks stopped there, which lead me to believe she got to the top, looked to see if anyone was around, saw me stuffing the envelopes for our holiday cards and hightailed it back downstairs.

Unfortunately, I did not see her. My phone rang, however, and it was the electrician calling me to come downstairs. I thought that was odd -- why didn't he just yell up to me?

When I got to the top of the stairs, I saw a woman who I do not know, standing at the bottom. As I walk down, I ask if I can help her. She says, "I see you're having some work done here. Can I do some work for you?"

WTF? Seriously? No. No, you can not do work for me. As a matter of fact, what the hell is this woman doing in my house, I ask myself. To her, I calmly say, "No. Please leave right now."

The electrician says she told him she knew me. She gets snippy and says she didn't say that, that she said she wanted to work for me. Those two are bickering while I am sizing her up and trying to figure out if her purse is big enough to hold a gun. (It was small, but could have concealed a small weapon.) I am sternly saying, "Get out. Now. Just leave. NOW."

She backtalks the electrician all the way up the stairs and walks down the street. I grab the phone and call 911 and tell them there was just a woman in my house that I did not know, with a complete discription of what she looked like and what direction she was heading. To the credit of the Chicago Police Department, they responded within five minutes. I did wonder if it would have taken that long had the woman still been in the damn house, but I digress. Five minutes is pretty good for the city.

They had a marked squad and an unmarked car looking for her, but by the time they got here, she had disappeared. The cop came in and filed a report and we traded some crime info about the haps in the neighborhood lately. I found out a condo directly across the street had their back door kicked in and their flatscreen TVs stolen last week. Awesome.

After the policeman left, I started to realize what could have been. This woman could have had a gun. She could have hurt me. She could have taken my kids. She could have hurt me and not taken the kids, but they would have been left alone for god knows how long because I couldn't help them. She could have stolen things.

In this case, our security system didn't matter. Our locks didn't matter. It was a crime of opportunity -- she was walking by, saw an open door and figured she would give it a whirl. She probably thought no one would be home and she could swipe something to make a quick buck.

The thing I keep coming back to is that she could have hurt my kids. My innocent, sleeping, beautiful children. It makes me sick to my stomach to think about it. I could care less about our stuff -- and granted, everything turned out fine and nothing bad happened -- but to think about my family being in danger pisses me off.

I guarantee you, this bitch's face is burned into my memory. If she walked by today, there's a good chance she will walk by again. Or that I could see her around the 'hood. And when I do, I am going to go all ninja on her ass and high-kick her in the gut. Then when she's gasping for breath I will sit on her and call 911.

Here we go again

I think the old saying goes something like "When the GPS is stolen the first time, shame on you. When the replacement GPS is stolen a second time, shame on me."

Remember back in April, when someone broke into our car and stole our GPS? But we left the gate open and the car alarm was not on and the GPS holder was on the windshield and the unit was in the console, which was pretty much begging for someone to steal it?

Well this time, the gate was closed. But not locked. And the car door? Well that was closed, but not locked, too. And after months of faithfully removing the GPS from the console, we got a little lazy and may or may not have forgotten it was even in there. And now we're again one GPS lighter in the aftermath.

Seriously. You would think we would have learned our lesson the first time. Oh but no. Of course, the person who left the car unlocked shall remain nameless but it rhymes with "gosh" as in "Gosh darnit I am so displeased the GPS was stolen." Which was most definitely not the G-rated tirade I spewed forth upon learning of the theft.

After calming down and getting a little perspective, I was actually glad "someone" left the door unlocked. Because that way, the thief didn't have to break a window. So we saved some money on that little snafu. Which is nice.

What I don't understand is if GPS units are being stolen left and right in this shit-ass economy, which I have read is the case because they're easy to swipe and sell, why isn't anyone making them find-able? If the satellites know where my car is at all times, then they should also have a security feature that allows me to track it down and repossess it.

There will be no third chance for the thieves and a stolen GPS system in our car. We're done. That's it. We're both getting new phones at the end of the month and they'll come equipped with GPS and that's what we'll use. Or -- gasp -- we'll go old school and use Mapquest and print out directions.

Stupidity reigns

Last year about this time, someone pulled a large amount of copper piping off the back of our house, presumably to sell it for scrap. Then a few weeks later, someone broke into the air conditioning unit in the back of the house and stole the piping out of it, presumably to sell for scrap.

Our response to those acts of crime was to have a fence installed, thus restricting access to the back of the house from the alley. Our choice in fences involved a double-swinging gate or a sliding gate. The sliding feature, while nice, was twice as expensive. Since I was newly unemployed, we decided to go with the double-swinging option. Which meant every time we left the house in the car, we had to open both sides of the gate, secure one side with a rock to hold it open, get in the car and drive it out, then get out of the car and close the gate. Reverse the order when we arrived back home and you can see how it quickly got annoying. Add a toddler and a pregnant woman to the equation and it was now a pain in the ass.

So we started leaving the gate propped open. It made it easier to come and go, especially in the winter, when the snow and ice made opening and closing the two sides of the gate an even bigger pain in the ass. Not to mention the fact it gets cold in Chicago in the winter and I don't like getting out of the car any more than I have to.

Well, dumbasses that we are, we leave the gate open 99 percent of the time. And since we've had it, we have not had any problems. You see where this is going, don't you? The damn fence can't prevent someone from breaking the window on your SUV and stealing your GPS if the gate is wide open now can it?

Dumbass No. 1 (that would be me) not only left the holder for the GPS on the windshield, but I stashed the unit in the center console. SERIOUSLY, did I just move here from the burbs? Why didn't I just hang a sign that says "Free shit. Steal me." with an arrow.

I can also take the Dumbass Award for not hitting the lock button twice on the remote. That's right, I didn't have the alarm on. The alarm that definitely would have alerted the whole neighborhood someone was breaking in and probably at least caused the thief to flee the scene, although the window would still have been smashed.

But the asshat who broke into our car would probably have done better for himself on the black market had he taken the Britax car seat -- it's worth way more than the GPS unit.

If you walked by the back of my house tonight, you would see the window has been fixed (that's a cool hundy that just floated right out of the wallet) and the gate is closed. How long you think that will last?