Introducing Maeven Anne

Snarky Daddy kept you all abreast of the situation yesterday, but we wanted to formally introduce you all to Maeven Anne. She didn't want to wait, busting into the world after four hours of labor and no pushing in all her 7-pound-9-ounce, 20-inch glory.

We're all doing fine and can't wait for Maeve to meet her big brother and sister tomorrow at home. She's breastfeeding like a champ and sleeping in long stretches.

Our family is complete and we couldn't be more proud!

Round Three

And we meet again... you may remember me from such famous blog posts as the Live-Blog of Baby #2 or Weekend Alone with the Kids... or maybe as SnarkyDaddy. So here you go... the final installment of the live-blog birth extravaganza...

3:00pm - Amy arrives home from picking up her parents at the train station to inform me her water has broke. She dropped a gallon or so on the sidewalk in front of our place. It is probably frozen by now, so be careful if you're walking past our place. If you slip and fall, you can probably sue her ass. I know a good attorney.

3:10 - I'm pretty sure Amy decided to break her water today because it's Sunday and I'm watching football. So now I’m left with the ultimate of moral dilemmas – who needs my support more today – my wife who is about to give birth, or my fantasy football team. I explain to Amy that she's going to have to wait a little bit - the Saints-Redskins game is in the fourth quarter and the undefeated Saints are losing and it's really important that I see what happens. I was somewhat expecting a quick slap in the face, but forgot who I'm dealing with. Water breaking to Amy does not signal jump in the car and head to the hospital, it's simply an indication it’s time to take a shower, put on a little make-up, do up the hair – not like throw it in a pony tail – we’re talking full blow drying and flat iron. One might think she was about to get married, not delivering a baby.

3:30 - So the big question for me is whether I should just put Amy in a cab or drop her off at the hospital myself? I mean, I'm certainly not going to go to the hospital for this one. Her birthing a child is a pretty regular occurrence now. And it’s not like I go along with Amy when she gets her haircut... or her nails done... or her teeth cleaned. Those are all regular occurrences, which birthing children we can now categorize as a regular occurrence as well. So, I'm thinking taxi over driving her - I mean, first of all, its cold outside, so why should I have to deal with that? Or I guess I could compromise and drop her off at the El. That way I'm putting forth a little more effort than the cab by driving her three blocks. I will probably score some major points with her that way. Plus the El is totally environmentally friendly. So if she even thinks about complaining about it, I can just bring up global warming and what can she really say then?

3:35 - Apparently Amy doesn't even care about global warming - She wants me to drive her all the way to the hospital. Who is this person I married? I don't even know her anymore. Well, when the cute little baby Polar Bears go extinct, we all know who to blame - SnarkyMommy.

3:40 – Amy still has to flat iron her hair and she is having contractions every five minutes. I tell her to forget her hair and let’s hit the road, but she insists. At this rate, I won’t be missing any football… I’ll be delivering the baby in the living room.

4:00 - We’re finally in the car… and the contractions are getting painful. We haul ass to the hospital and as we pull up I notice the free parking spot right in front – 30 feet from the front door. That spot is never open! Never in the history of the hospital! Clearly Amy isn’t going to expect me to pay $20 to park when there is a perfectly beautiful free parking spot steps from the hospital doors. “I take it you still want to valet” I say. “YES!” Amy screams. The contractions are coming on a little quicker and more painfully than they were supposed to according to the Amy play book. But when we pull up to the hospital doors, there isn’t a valet in sight. “what do you want me to do, just leave the car parked here?” I ask. “Just park it quick” I help her from the car, put the car in reverse back down the ramp to secure the best parking spot at the hospital. Looking back on this day, I’m not sure what I’ll be happier about… the birth of our third child or parking spot I snagged.

I’m thinking the parking spot. I mean, I’ve had two babies before this… but I’ve never had a rock star parking spot like this.

4:10 - So here we are back at Illinois Masonic. If you recall the last live blog, this place has got itself a little bit of a hand washing issue, but I'll get to that in a little bit. First I have to point out that since our daughter was born Northwestern opened up itself a brand spankin new maternity hospital that is more of a five star resort than it is a baby birthing facility. Despite the fact that the hospital rooms have 24 hour room service with a big fat menu, in-room spa services, and high definition flat screen TV's with a video game system in each room, SnarkyMommy elected for this place that was last updated in 1962. A hospital room there feels more like you're staying in a room at the W hotel... except with no real privacy as people keep barging in your room every 5 minutes. Oh, and except for babies popping out all over the place.

I mean if we were there I could be playing Modern Warfare II on Xbox 360 right now and protecting the world from terrorists. Then I wouldn't have to be involved in the birthing process at all. I mean... what's more important... dropping out a kid or saving the world from terrorists? Yeah, I thought so...

4:15 – We arrive in Triage and the contractions are coming on quick and painful. She looks at me and says “I don’t know if I can do this” as she moans. I ask if there is anything as I can do and she tells me there isn’t. So I figure I need to get to blogging, so I open the laptop only to have the nurse come in and say “maybe you could talk to your wife instead of being on the computer.” This nurse clearly knows us too well already - Amy asks me the same question every day. But right now Amy actually wants me on the computer. I turn to Amy and say “do you want me to talk to you?” Amy gives me an emphatic “No!” So let’s recap… the nurse already hates me, Amy apparently doesn’t want me around… must mean it’s time to check my fantasy football scores.

4:40 – Amy is writhing in pain. The contractions are every minute and last a minute. Amy is screaming to the nurse “please, just get me the epidural”. She responds “We will, we just need to fill out some forms, do your IV, take some blood, send the blood to the lab, wait for it to get back to make sure your platelet counts are alright for anesthesia.” Amy looks at me and cries “I don’t think I’m going to make it.” The nurse immediately then turns to me and says “this is totally normal, she’s going to be fine.” I asked Amy for the hundredth time if there was anything I could do for her. She says “get me the upstairs to Delivery so I can get the epidural” At this point Amy’s screaming in pain every other minute has got everyone scurrying to get her upstairs. I do the only thing I can think of - I believe it’s the universal sign of empathy when standing next to someone in pain - I grabbed Amy’s hand so she could squeeze it.

Now I know what you’re thinking readers. You want to know how I was handling all this. And, considering I didn’t even know the score of the Cowboys-Giants game, I think I was holding up pretty well. But I have to tell you… she squeezed my hand awfully hard. It has a little throbbing in it as I type this right now. Maybe they should give me the epidural.

4:55 – We’re on our way to Delivery. The nurses push Amy and the gurney on the elevator and push the button to go up. Nothing. She pushes it again… nothing. Amy is screaming in pain. I am giving the nurses evil looks. The nurse screams out to another nurse for some special key to allow us to get to the right floor. The elevator finally moves… down instead of up.

5:15 – The anesthesiologist is in the delivery room within 10 minutes. For something that at one point seemed like might take another hour, comes surprisingly quickly. Amy has continued to scream in pain every time a contraction comes… which is like every other minute. They ask me to leave so the epidural procedure can be performed. They didn’t have to twist my arm too much… I leave for the calmness of the waiting room.

5:45 – I return to the room and Amy is a new woman. She is relaxed and joking. Oh, Mr. Epidural, how we love you so!

6:00 – So the epidural appears to have relaxed Amy a little too much… 30 minutes ago she was screaming in pain and now she is lying to the doctors and nurses. She is filling out some paperwork to donate here cord blood and came to the questions "Have you traded goods, services, or cash for sex in the past five years?" She had the audacity to answer "no". Apparently she is in some serious denial. Last year there was this expensive pair of shoes she really wanted and she asked me if I would buy them for her. I told her sure, if she did something for me first.... yada, yada, yada... she had herself the shoes.

And yes, I did yada the best part.

If that wasn't goods for sex transaction, I don't know what is.

6:30 – So not anything exciting to report. The epidural is doing its thing. Amy is reading a book. The contractions continue every minute or two. They haven’t checked her dilation since we were in Triage when she was 4 centimeters.

So to get back to this hospital and its hand washing - they not only have themselves a serious hand washing issue here but they have chosen to share that with the world. To set this up, here is what I happened during the birthing of baby #2 two years ago:

"Get this. While I was waiting in the hall there is this bulletin board with a chart titled “Hand washing Hygiene” and this hospital is at a whopping 40% with a goal of 60%. Three thoughts come to mind after seeing this: 1) There are some people with some dirty-ass hands at this hospital 2)Their goal was 60% - what 70% would have been asking too much?. 3) They chose to make this information public? 4) How do they collect this information - are there hidden cameras in the bathroom? Ok, so 4 thoughts come to mind, not 3... I got a little aggressive."

And so here I am - I have returned to the scene of the crime. So the burning question in everybody's mind has to be... did they do it? Did they wise up and remove these embarrassing stats from the hallway?

6:45 – Amy’s hair was not forgotten before we left the house, but our camera and video camera were. As I leave the delivery room to meet my Mom in the waiting room to get the cameras, I stop in the hall to see if there is an update to the hand washing saga. Sure enough, it’s up in the hall for everyone to enjoy.

And good news, they are up to 75%! That is quite an improvement over 40%.

Last time I was kind of hoping the baby would miss the doctor’s hands and fall to the floor – as the floor was almost certain to be cleaner than the doctor’s hands. But this time – the odds are in my favor – there is a decent shot his hands will be clean.

7:15 – Amy is feeling some pressure and tells the nurse she feels like it’s time and the nurse doesn’t believer her. Amy informs the nurse she had better get the doctor. The doctor on call comes in to inform Amy that her regular doctor is on her way from home to deliver the baby, and Amy shouldn’t push until she is there. Amy says “It feels like the baby is there, you’d better check”. Sure enough, we have ourselves a head. Furthermore, without Amy pushing at all the baby is making its way out. The nurse and doctor scramble to get everything ready.

7:22 - Five minutes later, without a single push from Amy, out pops Maeven Anne. She’ll go by Maeve. Weighing in at 7 lbs. 9 oz. and 20 inches long. I have to tell you, she’s a gorgeous baby and she was worth every ounce of pain I went through to get her out. And worth the pain Amy went through as well I’d, although it is difficult to really know which of us had a more grueling time.

Well there you have it folks. In all honesty, this proves once again that my wife is absolutely AMAZING. After witnessing the pain that Amy was going through, all I know is if it was me pushing out babies we would have exactly ZERO children… I could never have dealt with pain like that. I could barely deal with her having pain like that. And I have to say, Amy retains her MILF status after baby #3. The best friend a guy could have for a wife and now three beautiful kids… I am officially the luckiest guy in the world.

Maeve, as Jack and Emmie can attest, you have a superstar for a Mom. You are in great hands. Now, if only your Dad can get his act together.

Introducing...

Emily Jean!

Weighing in at 6lbs 8 oz and a length of 20 inches.

Live blog of the birth below, pictures of Emmie to follow.

It's Go Time!!!

Hi, I'm Josh, Amy's hot, wicked smart, all-around wonderful husband. She may have not mentioned the wonderful part before. Or the hot part. Or even the wicked smart part. But I assure you, it's all true.

Anyhow, we're about to have a baby here and I'm live-blogging the birth, so I guess that's my key to start and here I am. So let's do it...

3:15 - Amy says "I'm feeling weird. I think my water is going to break today." I assume she's nuts and go back to work (at home).

4:35 - Water breaks. She's on the bed and I bring her some towels. She holds them between her legs and makes her way to the bathroom. She says "Maybe I just pee'd my pants". She spends a few minutes in the bathroom and determines, she didn't just pee two gallons, it was in fact the water breaking.

4:40 - I call my sister Marnie who has her fiance, Thabu, at our place in like 10 minutes. Nice! Jack wakes up from his nap and I tell him "I hope you enjoyed your nap buddy, because it will be your last as the center of the universe in this house" He says "poo". Likely not because of what I have just informed him, but because he does in fact have a dirty diaper.

4:45 - Amy takes a shower. I should probably do that to. I don't want baby to be scared off by dirty, smelly Daddy.

5:15 - I told Amy to take a cab to the hospital and call me when she and the baby were ready to come home, but apparently that isn’t flying. I don’t see what the big deal is. I was present for the birth of Jack, and there was a whole lot of waiting around as I recall. Frankly, it got to be a bit boring. Plus, if you’ve seen one birth, you’ve seen them all, right? I’ve seen it twice now – when Jack was born and I saw it in the movie “Knocked Up” as they show you a little more than you probably had bargained for in that flick. I’m not the type that likes to see the same movie over and over and I’m pretty sure I might be the same way about births.

5:20 - Amy informs me that I am the type that likes to see births over and over. I learn more and more about myself every day. She also tells me that seeing that birth in Knocked Up doesn’t really count, but I’m pretty sure it does. I’ll ask the doctor.

5:30 - Yes, her water broke an hour ago and yes, we're still getting ready. Cameras, Ipod, Chapstick, Laptops, Beer - you know all the necessities one couldn't possibly have a baby without. (unfortunately, I am kidding about the beer. Maybe.)

5:35 - Amy is still leaking. The water doesn't just break and its done. It goes on and on. (She was induced for Jack, so we didn't experience the sudden break of the ol' water). There are towels all over the place. Maybe a cab wouldn't be such a bad idea...

5:40 - Amy only has three pages left in her really good book she was reading when her water broke and she hasn't been having any contractions. We can go to the hospital after she finishes the book. I ask her if she wants to catch a movie before we go also. Since we apparently aren't in any hurry.

5:50 - All packed up and in the car. No fur coat for Amy as she had hoped for. She didn't want bodily fluids marring it. I feel the same way about the car... its towels all around.

6:00 - Amy informs me that we'll be parking in the garage at the hospital. Clearly, I could have found a nice free spot on the street if she gave me 5 minutes. When we were at the house she had to read those last three pages of the book, but now suddently we're in a great big hurry.

6:10 - Good evening OB Triage, its been too long. We're quickly escorted into a cubicle type area with curtains splitting us from other areas. Amy has her first contraction.

6:30 - Amy has changed into her baby-having fatigues and is now laying down leaking on the bed (better than the car I say). A nurse has her hooked up to the contraction monitor. She has a sizable contraction - reporting that its only a 2 out of 10 on the pain scale. Sounds pretty weak to me - clearly she doesn't need an epidural. Another nurse comes in and asks her a series of questions about diseases. She asks if I'm working on the laptop and Amy informs her I'm live-blogging the birth. I add "so don't mess anything up" She doesn't find me funny.

6:35 - They confirm that Amy was actually just peeing herself all over the house and car, her water never broke... just kidding. Its the real deal.

6:40 - The waiting begins... a nurse does Amy's IV. No contractions lately.

6:45 - Contraction. Actually, looking at the monitor, contractions are 6 minutes apart. But we still don't know how effaced or dilated she is. The doctor is supposed to come anytime now to give us this info.

6:50 - For my guy friends reading this... No hot nurses. Bummer. Maybe the labor and delivery area will come through, because OB Triage isn't having a strong showing today.

7:05 - Contractions still every 6 minutes. The doctor is here. Actually a resident. So does that even count? I don't think so. We'll call her the fake doctor. Anyway, she asks a million more questions. Some that the nurse already asked before. Don't they share notes? Its like when I call my credit card company and they make me key in my number and then the customer service rep asks me for it five seconds later... but I digress. The doctor asks about the water break, the contractions, family diseases, drugs, the cerclage, you know, the types of small talk you would make with a stranger in an elevator.

7:15 - After 10 minutes of questions, Amy spreads 'em, the resident slaps on some rubber gloves, and goes down for a look. She comes back up and we finally have some numbers to work with... she's 70 percent effaced and 2 cm dilated. And the fun doesn't really begin until she's at 10. Go get some dinner folks and cancel Bowling League or whatever you had planned tonight... its going to be a long evening.

7:20 - A nurse comes back in with some papers to sign. One about leaving your baby unattended, one about insurance, and one about baby carseats. I say to the nurse "you mean they make special seats for babies?" The nurse reamains stone faced. I just don't have it tonight. I tell Amy I should call Matt or Jimmie, my lawyer buddies, to come look over the paperwork before she signs anything. She rolls her eyes and signs away. I bet that small print is going to come back and bite us in the ass... Contractions still every 6 minutes.

7:25 - They're moving us to labor and delivery (and maybe to some hot nurses... or at least to one with a sense of humor?)

7:30 - Get this. They come to get us with only one wheel chair. And that's not even the kicker... its for Amy, not for me. Dude, my fingers are tired from all this typing and now I'm expected to walk all the way to labor and delivery? And that's not all, I have to carry all of Amy's stuff - which by the way you would think we were going to Hawaii for two weeks if you saw the five bags I have to carry.

7:40 - Jackpot! The nurse is hot and I'm pretty sure she wants me. She gave me sheets and a pillow and told me where I'd be sleeping the second we got in the room. If that's not a come on I'm not sure what is.

7:50 - All settled in the room where its all going to happen. They gave Amy the bed and me a chair. I'm pretty sure that was a mistake, and it should be the other way around, but I'll mention it to Amy later. Amy tells the nurse she wants the epidural pronto. I tell her me too and she gives me the stone face. On second thought, she's not that hot anyway.

8:00 – The doctor comes in (the real doctor this time) and laughs about us taking two hours to get to the hospital after Amy called two hours ago. He says we’re going to start some ptocin and the epidural. Amy tells him she doesn’t want any fake doctors (she is nice about it and calls them “residents”) delivering the baby. The doctor says the residents on the floor all all pros (one has been here a whopping 3 months now, he mentions). Amy says that all is well and good, but we’ll take his ten years experience over their 3 months.

8:15 – The nurse comes in to prep Amy for the Epidural. Amy scores a sexy hairnet out of the deal. The nurse also gets her started on some “Pit”. “Pit” is short for ptocin and apparently its what all the cool kids are calling it these days as the doctor used it before and now the nurse too. The anesthesiologist comes in and he goes into the same questions the fake doctor and the nurse went into earlier. Seriously, are these people this backwards? Are they also using an abacus and a typewriter? I’m sent out of the room so he can stick a great big needle in her back. Amy reminds me this is four needles in her bac in the past two years. I respond “Needles? Who needs stinking needles? I’d go all-natural baby.”

8:45 – I’m back in the room. If I would have known it was going to take so long I would have gotten some food. I’m starving. So apparently while the anesthesiologist was painfully trying to push the needle into Amy’s back, another nurse comes in and they go into a 10 minute conversation about some other patients – nothing critical – as the doctor continues to push. Amy finally says “can you have this discussion later please”. The nurse apologizes and leaves. Contractions up to every two minutes.

8:50 – Get this. While I was waiting in the hall there is this bulleten board with a chart titled “Handwashing Hygiene” and this hospital is at a whopping 40% with a goal of 60%. Three thoughts come to mind after seeing this: 1) There are some people with some dirty-ass hands at this hospital 2)Their goal was 60% - what 70% would have been asking too much?. 3) They chose to make this information public? 4) How do they collect this information - are there hidden cameras in the bathroom? Ok, so 4 thoughts come to mind, not 3... I got a little agressive.

9:10 - The nurse and doctor both come in to check Amy. She's still at 2 cm and having contractions every 2 minutes. Apparently the contractions are still painful, even with the epidural. I just want all of you out there to know that despite all of these needles, contractions and tubes running all over the place, I'm still feeling great! Really, I don't know what all the fuss is about from Amy. Because if I continue to feel like I do right now, this birthing stuff is going to be a breeze. I could do it every day. The doctor tells Amy that he'll check back and hopefully the epidural will kick in.

10:15 - You'd think that after such a long break something exciting would be happening. Well, something exciting did happen - I got to eat. Not Amy though, she apparently is on a diet of ice chips until after the birth. Don't worry, I was sure to tell her how delicious each bite of my pizza was so she could share in the pleasure I was having. What are caring husbands for? The contractions continue every two minutes. No update on the dilation yet.

10:30 - Did I mention its going to be a long night? Amy and I are hanging out watching the 19" Zenith TV in our room. Hey, hospital, the 1970's called and they want their TV back. Furthermore, there's nothing on. With the writer's strike going on, you're all pretty lucky to have me tonight. Actually, if the nurses are any judge, I'm not that funny. Better go back to your reruns. No news on the baby front...

10:55 - Big news. The doctor is back and checking things out as the baby's heart rate had dropped. We're at 5 cm. Amy is on her side and the baby's heart rate is back to good - up around 150. The heart rate drops when she has contractions, but the baby is facing down like it should be at a 0 station, and her cervix has thinned 100%. They're putting the monitor on the baby's head as we speak. Hopefully things keep moving along...

11:10 - I’d like to point out that last time during Jack’s birth I was given two rules by Amy – I couldn’t bring my laptop and I couldn’t make calls on my cell phone at all until after the birth. (Alas – I found a perfectly legal loophole, text messaging, Amy was none too pleased). This time she’s told me to bring my laptop and post messages all day long. What a difference two years make. It reminds me of when I got caught drinking in high school – my parents grounded me and put me in therapy. Two years later they were hosting drinking parties for my younger sister... isn’t life funny...

11:30 - Amy's feeling a lot of pressure. With every contraction she feels an immense urge to push. Not sure what this means, but baby could be visiting us soon. I, on the other hand, am not feeling any pressure at all. Again, I'm not sure what Amy's deal is. This birthing thing is a piece of cake for me. I should write a book.

11:50 - More big time pressure. The doctor comes... and its really go time. The baby is right there, head visible! The docter says she might have pushed it out herself if she let her go longer. Everybody's running around getting ready for the big push!

11:56 pm January 16th - Emily Jean is born. We're going to call her Emmie. There was literally zero pushing this time. They asked Amy not to let her come out before they could gown up and she contracted her out. Emmie's a beauty (thankfully it looks like she has gotten her looks from her mother, not dad). Excuse the sappy post, but I just want to say, my wife is a superstar! This whole experience has proved to me once again, I am indeed the luckiest guy in the world. Even after pushing out little Emmie, she's looking as beautiful, upbeat, and witty as ever. And she's such an amazing mother to Jack already, little Emmie is in such great hands. Amy, I can't imagine where I would be with out you... I love you.

12:10 - Emmie weighs in at 6 lbs 8 oz and a length of 20 inches. She's a heavyweight like her father. This is two weeks before her actual due date, so being on the light side is to be expected I suppose.

12:30 - Emmie has been awfully quiet, just like Jack was the first 24 hours. I remember Amy and I thinking - wow, he doesn't cry, we're the luckiest parents in the world. Wow, did Jack have a little surprise for us after that first day, he found his voice and in a big way. I'm sure Emmie will do the same. Amy's feeding her now. She's been sucking away on her hands from the second she came out, so she's doing a decent job for her first boob.

1:00 - I sure hope Amy doesn’t want me to stay over at the hospital tonight with the baby. I did that last time and Jack cried like every hour and woke me up, plus all they have for the guests to sleep on is this crappy fold out chair that is about as comfortable as sleeping on nails. Maybe even less. And then they give her this big comfortable bed right next to me – just to rub it in apparently. I’m not really into sleepovers anyway. Plus, if I sleep at home I can have the whole bed to myself and my parents are staying at our place so they can get up with Jack in the morning. I can sleep in! I’m sure Amy will agree this is an excellent idea.

1:30 - Amy informs me that I am all about sleepovers. I’m really learning a lot about myself today. Maybe she’ll at least give me the bed and she’ll take the chair. That’s only fair as I took the chair last time. Right? I’m not really a chair sleeper anyway.

1:55 - Have I mentioned how much I love sleeping in chairs? Because I do, or so I’ve been told. That’s what I’ll be doing for the next two nights. I’m kind of glad because our big comfortable, quiet bed at home will sit empty for the next couple of nights and it could use a break for a few nights anyway. They're about to move us to the mother-baby room (father is conveniently left out) where we'll go to sleep. So this will be my last post. For those of you that have stuck it out until the end, you've won a cash prize of 1 million dollars. Just post a comment within the next minute and the prize is yours. Goodnight...