This afternoon, I entered the 10th circle of hell when I took all three children to the pediatrician so Jack and Maeve could have their 4-year and 2-month checkups at the same time. What planning, I thought to myself when I booked the appointments together. Way to kill two birds with one stone! Except really it was more like killing myself with multiple stones over and over and over.
I didn't live blog the appointment, but if I had, it would have looked something like this...
3:40 p.m.: I finish feeding Maeve and ask Jack and Emmie to get their socks, boots and coats on.
3:41: Tell Jack to stop pushing his sister and get his boots. Hand Emmie her socks and ask her to please put them on.
3:42: Raise voice, threaten to leave Emmie at home if she doesn't put her socks on. Thank Jack for finally getting his boots on, point out they are on wrong feet, however.
3:43: Put Maeve in the swing and grab Emmie's socks off the floor, wrestle her into my lap and put the socks and boots on her.
3:43:30: Chase Emmie to the dining room, pick her up, get kicked as she thrashes and screams. Ignore tantrum while shoving her arms into coat. Tell Jack for 39th time to put his coat on.
3:44: Everyone finally has a coat on, so I put Maeve in her carseat and she screams like she is being killed. Turn my back to grab my keys and turn back to find Emmie trying to shove Maeve's pacifier in her mouth. Maeve's mouth is tightly closed, but Emmie is determined and is yelling, "Maeve! Fussy!" Thanks for the news flash Walter Cronkite, film at 11.
3:50: After walking world's slowest 4-year-old and 2-year-old out the door and down the steps to the car, fight with Jack about buckling himself in. He claims he can't do it, I insist he try since he is all the way on the far side of the car. He throws a tantrum, which results in me climbing into the backseat and leaning over Emmie in her seat to buckle him, then buckling Emmie, then going back in the house to get Maeve and putting her seat in last.
3:50:01: Serenity now, serenity now. I ignore wailing from backseat from Emmie, who has been wronged when Jack stole her little Wiggles book, and Maeve, who hates her carseat.
4:05: Arrive in doctor's waiting room five minutes late because it is snowing and people on roads have apparently never seen snow in Chicago before. Might or might not have laid on horn several times on short drive.
4:07: We are ushered in to the exam room. I get Jack stripped down to his Thomas underpants and Maeve to her diaper. Emmie sits down and removes not only her coat, but also her boots and socks. I am powerless to stop her as I am holding Maeve and trying to keep her warm since she's effectively nekkid.
4:08: Our doctor breezes in, he's nothing if not prompt, and gets started with Jack. I ignore Emmie jumping on the scale and try to focus on Jack's exam.
4:25: Jack's done and Maeven takes center stage. I am now ignoring Jack and Emmie jumping on the scale.
4:26: The doctor passes out those nifty disposable measuring tapes to the big kids and they commence measuring their heads. Awesome.
4:45: Maeve is pronounced healthy (10lbs 2oz, 23 inches) and the doctor departs, promising to send in the nurse for the dreaded shots.
4:50: Finally, the nurse strolls in. Maeve is interested in the oral vaccine she gets first, but then decides to spit it all over her shirt when she realizes it's not her preferred flavor of breastmilk. She then takes the first shot like a champ, but squeals for the second and bleeds profusely through her little Snoopy Band-aid. Mommy, stuck holding her arms down, feels awful.
4:53: Start to nurse Maeve to calm her down and lose any remaining control of Jack and Emmie. Realize I am prisoner in 5x9 room and can't move because I am feeding Maeve and have no free hands.
4:54: Jack takes Emmie's measuring tape. Emmie screams and throws herself on floor. Maeve jumps at the sudden noise and pulls off the boob, spraying milk all over her face and in her eye. I laugh at her.
5:06: Emmie rips Jack's measuring tape, causing him to melt down and push her.
5:06:01: "Stop hitting your sister. Emmie, that was not nice. Just sit down in this chair and wait, please."
5:06:10: "Jack, stop pulling that drawer out."
5:06:20: "Emmie, get out of the garbage."
5:07: "EMMIE GET OUT OF THE GARBAGE."
5:08: "Jack, do not climb on the table."
5:08:10: "JACK WHAT DID I JUST SAY?"
5:08:20: "If you two don't shape up, we are not watching The Wiggles when we get home."
5:08:21: (Unintelligible crying and protesting)
5:08:31: "THAT'S IT, NO WIGGLES."
5:08:32: (Louder unintelligible crying and screaming)
5:09: "Do I need to call Daddy?"
5:10: Time to get coats on. I want to die because this gets no easier the 300 times a day we do this. Stick Maeve in the carseat, then have to wrestle socks and boots back on Emmie.
5:13: Walk down hall to the bathroom, where Jack is excited about the prospect of peeing in a cup. He asks me if girls can pee in cups too and how do they do it? I tell him they kid of sit on the cup. He doesn't believe me and says that wouldn't work. OK, whatever. Just pee kid.
5:14: "Mommy, Emmie is all wet!"
5:14:01: I look up to find Emmie's hands (and clipped-to-her-coat mittens) in the toilet.
5:14:02: "EMMIE NO! NO! YUCKY!"
5:14:03: Pick Emmie up off the floor and stick her hands under the faucet to wash them. Thank all that is holy that Jack peed in the cup, not in the toilet, before she decided to go fishing.
5:15: Walk cup down the hall to cabinet, lose older two children when I stop to write Jack's name on his cup o'pee.
5:15:05: Nurses laughing at my children running down hall.
5:15:35: Tell children I am leaving without them and start to walk away. Am instantly joined by two crying children. Mean? Perhaps. Effective? Yes.
5:20: Head for parking garage with validated parking ticket. While paying at automated kiosk, am greeted by attendant through the speaker asking if I need assistance. "No, sorry, my kids are pushing the call button." Give child dirty look. She laughs and does it again.
5:22: Walk to car holding carseat in one hand and Emmie's hand in the other. Instruct Jack to hold her other hand and stay with me.
5:22:10: Emmie falls in wet parking garage, despite holding two hands, blackening her pink coat and mittens and screaming because her hands are dirty. This from the girl who willingly played in a toilet minutes ago.
5:23: Finally get to car, again fight with Jack about his ability to buckle his own carseat, end up buckling everyone in.
5:24: Cry in car because this sucks so bad.
Labels: Holy hell three kids