Awful all around
This afternoon, I entered the 10th circle of hell when I took all three children to the pediatrician so Jack and Maeve could have their 4-year and 2-month checkups at the same time. What planning, I thought to myself when I booked the appointments together. Way to kill two birds with one stone! Except really it was more like killing myself with multiple stones over and over and over.
I didn't live blog the appointment, but if I had, it would have looked something like this...
3:40 p.m.: I finish feeding Maeve and ask Jack and Emmie to get their socks, boots and coats on.
3:41: Tell Jack to stop pushing his sister and get his boots. Hand Emmie her socks and ask her to please put them on.
3:42: Raise voice, threaten to leave Emmie at home if she doesn't put her socks on. Thank Jack for finally getting his boots on, point out they are on wrong feet, however.
3:43: Put Maeve in the swing and grab Emmie's socks off the floor, wrestle her into my lap and put the socks and boots on her.
3:43:30: Chase Emmie to the dining room, pick her up, get kicked as she thrashes and screams. Ignore tantrum while shoving her arms into coat. Tell Jack for 39th time to put his coat on.
3:44: Everyone finally has a coat on, so I put Maeve in her carseat and she screams like she is being killed. Turn my back to grab my keys and turn back to find Emmie trying to shove Maeve's pacifier in her mouth. Maeve's mouth is tightly closed, but Emmie is determined and is yelling, "Maeve! Fussy!" Thanks for the news flash Walter Cronkite, film at 11.
3:50: After walking world's slowest 4-year-old and 2-year-old out the door and down the steps to the car, fight with Jack about buckling himself in. He claims he can't do it, I insist he try since he is all the way on the far side of the car. He throws a tantrum, which results in me climbing into the backseat and leaning over Emmie in her seat to buckle him, then buckling Emmie, then going back in the house to get Maeve and putting her seat in last.
3:50:01: Serenity now, serenity now. I ignore wailing from backseat from Emmie, who has been wronged when Jack stole her little Wiggles book, and Maeve, who hates her carseat.
4:05: Arrive in doctor's waiting room five minutes late because it is snowing and people on roads have apparently never seen snow in Chicago before. Might or might not have laid on horn several times on short drive.
4:07: We are ushered in to the exam room. I get Jack stripped down to his Thomas underpants and Maeve to her diaper. Emmie sits down and removes not only her coat, but also her boots and socks. I am powerless to stop her as I am holding Maeve and trying to keep her warm since she's effectively nekkid.
4:08: Our doctor breezes in, he's nothing if not prompt, and gets started with Jack. I ignore Emmie jumping on the scale and try to focus on Jack's exam.
4:25: Jack's done and Maeven takes center stage. I am now ignoring Jack and Emmie jumping on the scale.
4:26: The doctor passes out those nifty disposable measuring tapes to the big kids and they commence measuring their heads. Awesome.
4:45: Maeve is pronounced healthy (10lbs 2oz, 23 inches) and the doctor departs, promising to send in the nurse for the dreaded shots.
4:50: Finally, the nurse strolls in. Maeve is interested in the oral vaccine she gets first, but then decides to spit it all over her shirt when she realizes it's not her preferred flavor of breastmilk. She then takes the first shot like a champ, but squeals for the second and bleeds profusely through her little Snoopy Band-aid. Mommy, stuck holding her arms down, feels awful.
4:53: Start to nurse Maeve to calm her down and lose any remaining control of Jack and Emmie. Realize I am prisoner in 5x9 room and can't move because I am feeding Maeve and have no free hands.
4:54: Jack takes Emmie's measuring tape. Emmie screams and throws herself on floor. Maeve jumps at the sudden noise and pulls off the boob, spraying milk all over her face and in her eye. I laugh at her.
5:06: Emmie rips Jack's measuring tape, causing him to melt down and push her.
5:06:01: "Stop hitting your sister. Emmie, that was not nice. Just sit down in this chair and wait, please."
5:06:10: "Jack, stop pulling that drawer out."
5:06:20: "Emmie, get out of the garbage."
5:07: "EMMIE GET OUT OF THE GARBAGE."
5:08: "Jack, do not climb on the table."
5:08:10: "JACK WHAT DID I JUST SAY?"
5:08:20: "If you two don't shape up, we are not watching The Wiggles when we get home."
5:08:21: (Unintelligible crying and protesting)
5:08:31: "THAT'S IT, NO WIGGLES."
5:08:32: (Louder unintelligible crying and screaming)
5:09: "Do I need to call Daddy?"
5:10: Time to get coats on. I want to die because this gets no easier the 300 times a day we do this. Stick Maeve in the carseat, then have to wrestle socks and boots back on Emmie.
5:13: Walk down hall to the bathroom, where Jack is excited about the prospect of peeing in a cup. He asks me if girls can pee in cups too and how do they do it? I tell him they kid of sit on the cup. He doesn't believe me and says that wouldn't work. OK, whatever. Just pee kid.
5:14: "Mommy, Emmie is all wet!"
5:14:01: I look up to find Emmie's hands (and clipped-to-her-coat mittens) in the toilet.
5:14:02: "EMMIE NO! NO! YUCKY!"
5:14:03: Pick Emmie up off the floor and stick her hands under the faucet to wash them. Thank all that is holy that Jack peed in the cup, not in the toilet, before she decided to go fishing.
5:15: Walk cup down the hall to cabinet, lose older two children when I stop to write Jack's name on his cup o'pee.
5:15:05: Nurses laughing at my children running down hall.
5:15:35: Tell children I am leaving without them and start to walk away. Am instantly joined by two crying children. Mean? Perhaps. Effective? Yes.
5:20: Head for parking garage with validated parking ticket. While paying at automated kiosk, am greeted by attendant through the speaker asking if I need assistance. "No, sorry, my kids are pushing the call button." Give child dirty look. She laughs and does it again.
5:22: Walk to car holding carseat in one hand and Emmie's hand in the other. Instruct Jack to hold her other hand and stay with me.
5:22:10: Emmie falls in wet parking garage, despite holding two hands, blackening her pink coat and mittens and screaming because her hands are dirty. This from the girl who willingly played in a toilet minutes ago.
5:23: Finally get to car, again fight with Jack about his ability to buckle his own carseat, end up buckling everyone in.
5:24: Cry in car because this sucks so bad.
I didn't live blog the appointment, but if I had, it would have looked something like this...
3:40 p.m.: I finish feeding Maeve and ask Jack and Emmie to get their socks, boots and coats on.
3:41: Tell Jack to stop pushing his sister and get his boots. Hand Emmie her socks and ask her to please put them on.
3:42: Raise voice, threaten to leave Emmie at home if she doesn't put her socks on. Thank Jack for finally getting his boots on, point out they are on wrong feet, however.
3:43: Put Maeve in the swing and grab Emmie's socks off the floor, wrestle her into my lap and put the socks and boots on her.
3:43:30: Chase Emmie to the dining room, pick her up, get kicked as she thrashes and screams. Ignore tantrum while shoving her arms into coat. Tell Jack for 39th time to put his coat on.
3:44: Everyone finally has a coat on, so I put Maeve in her carseat and she screams like she is being killed. Turn my back to grab my keys and turn back to find Emmie trying to shove Maeve's pacifier in her mouth. Maeve's mouth is tightly closed, but Emmie is determined and is yelling, "Maeve! Fussy!" Thanks for the news flash Walter Cronkite, film at 11.
3:50: After walking world's slowest 4-year-old and 2-year-old out the door and down the steps to the car, fight with Jack about buckling himself in. He claims he can't do it, I insist he try since he is all the way on the far side of the car. He throws a tantrum, which results in me climbing into the backseat and leaning over Emmie in her seat to buckle him, then buckling Emmie, then going back in the house to get Maeve and putting her seat in last.
3:50:01: Serenity now, serenity now. I ignore wailing from backseat from Emmie, who has been wronged when Jack stole her little Wiggles book, and Maeve, who hates her carseat.
4:05: Arrive in doctor's waiting room five minutes late because it is snowing and people on roads have apparently never seen snow in Chicago before. Might or might not have laid on horn several times on short drive.
4:07: We are ushered in to the exam room. I get Jack stripped down to his Thomas underpants and Maeve to her diaper. Emmie sits down and removes not only her coat, but also her boots and socks. I am powerless to stop her as I am holding Maeve and trying to keep her warm since she's effectively nekkid.
4:08: Our doctor breezes in, he's nothing if not prompt, and gets started with Jack. I ignore Emmie jumping on the scale and try to focus on Jack's exam.
4:25: Jack's done and Maeven takes center stage. I am now ignoring Jack and Emmie jumping on the scale.
4:26: The doctor passes out those nifty disposable measuring tapes to the big kids and they commence measuring their heads. Awesome.
4:45: Maeve is pronounced healthy (10lbs 2oz, 23 inches) and the doctor departs, promising to send in the nurse for the dreaded shots.
4:50: Finally, the nurse strolls in. Maeve is interested in the oral vaccine she gets first, but then decides to spit it all over her shirt when she realizes it's not her preferred flavor of breastmilk. She then takes the first shot like a champ, but squeals for the second and bleeds profusely through her little Snoopy Band-aid. Mommy, stuck holding her arms down, feels awful.
4:53: Start to nurse Maeve to calm her down and lose any remaining control of Jack and Emmie. Realize I am prisoner in 5x9 room and can't move because I am feeding Maeve and have no free hands.
4:54: Jack takes Emmie's measuring tape. Emmie screams and throws herself on floor. Maeve jumps at the sudden noise and pulls off the boob, spraying milk all over her face and in her eye. I laugh at her.
5:06: Emmie rips Jack's measuring tape, causing him to melt down and push her.
5:06:01: "Stop hitting your sister. Emmie, that was not nice. Just sit down in this chair and wait, please."
5:06:10: "Jack, stop pulling that drawer out."
5:06:20: "Emmie, get out of the garbage."
5:07: "EMMIE GET OUT OF THE GARBAGE."
5:08: "Jack, do not climb on the table."
5:08:10: "JACK WHAT DID I JUST SAY?"
5:08:20: "If you two don't shape up, we are not watching The Wiggles when we get home."
5:08:21: (Unintelligible crying and protesting)
5:08:31: "THAT'S IT, NO WIGGLES."
5:08:32: (Louder unintelligible crying and screaming)
5:09: "Do I need to call Daddy?"
5:10: Time to get coats on. I want to die because this gets no easier the 300 times a day we do this. Stick Maeve in the carseat, then have to wrestle socks and boots back on Emmie.
5:13: Walk down hall to the bathroom, where Jack is excited about the prospect of peeing in a cup. He asks me if girls can pee in cups too and how do they do it? I tell him they kid of sit on the cup. He doesn't believe me and says that wouldn't work. OK, whatever. Just pee kid.
5:14: "Mommy, Emmie is all wet!"
5:14:01: I look up to find Emmie's hands (and clipped-to-her-coat mittens) in the toilet.
5:14:02: "EMMIE NO! NO! YUCKY!"
5:14:03: Pick Emmie up off the floor and stick her hands under the faucet to wash them. Thank all that is holy that Jack peed in the cup, not in the toilet, before she decided to go fishing.
5:15: Walk cup down the hall to cabinet, lose older two children when I stop to write Jack's name on his cup o'pee.
5:15:05: Nurses laughing at my children running down hall.
5:15:35: Tell children I am leaving without them and start to walk away. Am instantly joined by two crying children. Mean? Perhaps. Effective? Yes.
5:20: Head for parking garage with validated parking ticket. While paying at automated kiosk, am greeted by attendant through the speaker asking if I need assistance. "No, sorry, my kids are pushing the call button." Give child dirty look. She laughs and does it again.
5:22: Walk to car holding carseat in one hand and Emmie's hand in the other. Instruct Jack to hold her other hand and stay with me.
5:22:10: Emmie falls in wet parking garage, despite holding two hands, blackening her pink coat and mittens and screaming because her hands are dirty. This from the girl who willingly played in a toilet minutes ago.
5:23: Finally get to car, again fight with Jack about his ability to buckle his own carseat, end up buckling everyone in.
5:24: Cry in car because this sucks so bad.
Labels: Holy hell three kids
posted by Amy at
9:28 PM
21 Comments:
Oh, I have also taken all three to the pedi, multiple times, and yes, it really is like that every time. No fun at all. At leat the dr was prompt and didn't leave you waiting forever, I guess! It will get better. Or not! Who knows?
Oh my!
That's all I can say! Drink a glass of wine and some "me" time when your husband is home!!!
Although I only have 2 heathens, er, beautiful children, I swear I could have written that post myself. I'm glad (and sad) that I am not alone. Sometimes it's just no fun to be mom. But other times, the good times, sorta make up for it... right? LOL :)
Oh dude. That suuuuucks. I hate the coat tantrums-- we have these every damn time we leave the house, and I swear to you, I see red 9 times out of 10 when I leaving my garage. Ugh.
Oh Amy - I laughed and cried for you! I've taken my two and about lost it - I don't know how you did it with three!!
Yup. That pretty much sums up trying to take 3 kids anywhere alone.
Which is why I never leave the house. Ever. Unless its for doctor appointments.
And I get dressed in my garage. Because after wrestling everyone into clothes and making 3 trips (none of mine can do stairs without help) up and down the stairs, I'm a sweaty mess. If I leave them in the car to get dressed, they scream. So I dress in my garage.
It has yet to get any better for me - 8mo into 3 kids. I dread every trip.
And, right now, I'm trying to decide if making the 3yr, 2yr, and 1yr appts for the same day is a good idea or insanely stupid!
Poor Baby! Look on the bright side, only 43 more years until they are entirely self-sufficient. :D
I made Charlie walk from the car into the ped's office with no shoes on the other day because I got so sick of telling him not to take his shoes off in the car. He screamed "It's SO SHARP" the whole time (it was a normal parking lot) and I said cooly "That is why we wear shoes! Next time don't take them off!"
I am so going to jail.
How I feel your pain...
So, so familiar. I'm sorry it was so hard. It does get easier, once they break your spirit and you just stop caring... mostly kidding
And I thought two was bad! I am having a panic attcak just reading about it!
I applaude your ability to give a proper play-by-play. I too have three small children. And I too have gullibly made the mistake of killing more than one bird per stone. The payoff is disappointing, to say the least. Next time make Snarky Daddy escort the crew :)
Dear God! And I thought I had it bad when my 6 year old keeps licking the fish tank at our germy Ped's office. The same 6 year old now has something called perihyler pneumonia...no doubt caught from licking that &#^! fish tank! All the while my other three are fighting and going up to kids with typhoid to ask them their names.
Yeah, I say it's time for some nice wine. You have earned it. I don't even know you but darn it...I'm drinking right there with you. It's been one of those weeks. And it's only Wednesday.
oh my....just found your blog and am laughing and crying since i will be taking my 2 year old and 4 month old to the doctor tomorrow for combined visits. just shoot me now!
Oh that sounded like hell! And you had to probably get Jack and Emmie dinner right when you got home. No rest for the weary!
But be very thankful at how prompt your doctor is! I didn't think an on-time doctor actually existed!! We never have had less than 20 mins in the waiting room, another 10 before the nurse comes in then 10 before the doctor and 10 more before the shots. Ugh!
And good job Mommy - sounds like Maeve has really figured out the nursing thing!
I completely broke out into hives reading this. You rock, Mama! Here's hoping getting coats on and off becomes easier. Or spring gets here quickly. :)
ohdeargod!!! that is just crazy, Amy! I am going to have to do an hour of yoga to get over this post.
I am pg with #2 now (1st is 16 mo)and reading this post has sent me in full-on panic mode! Ack!
What kind of car do you have for 3 kids? (am asking everyone now that I'm pg with #2)
Give yourself snaps...even though it sounded like he!!, you made it through and the kids are fine! Wine time!
I am pg with #2 now (1st is 16 mo)and reading this post has sent me in full-on panic mode! Ack!
What kind of car do you have for 3 kids? (am asking everyone now that I'm pg with #2)
Give yourself snaps...even though it sounded like he!!, you made it through and the kids are fine! Wine time!
Laughing so hard I am crying! Hope things get better!!!
This is quite possibly the funniest thing I've ever read. (Although I'm sure it didn't feel so funny in the moment.)
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