Wax on, wax off
At today's weekly OB appointment, my doctor did a cervical exam and pronounced there was no change from last week. Meaning my slothful behavior paid off and laying on the couch for a week not only resulted in me losing a pound this week (go me at 36 weeks!), but also in thwarting my cervix from dilating.
That means all systems are go for the big cerclage removal this Friday. I couldn't be more excited to have someone insert a speculum, dig around in the tissue of my cervix with a pair of tweezers and snip a 5 mm piece of wire with a very sharp pair of scissors. Oh, and all without the aid of painkillers or nerve blocks. I am SO looking forward to it!
In addition to the cervix feel-up I got this morning, I was able to add on the awesome fun of a bikini wax this afternoon. Did I mention this was a bikini wax when I am 36 weeks pregnant?
Now, you might think to yourself, "Why in the hell would she subject herself to that kind of nonsense when no one is even going to notice?" The answer would be because when you're 36 weeks pregnant, you can't see your own feet, much less your groin. I have no idea what is going on down there, so I needed to entrust the care of it to a professional.
My waxer is someone I have seen before, so it's not like we're strangers, but there's just something about exposing your entire bottom half, a bottom half that is swollen beyond the point of believability, to another person. Christ, not even Josh has seen me that naked in the last few weeks. But then again, I didn't pay him $50, so really, he was under no obligation to do so. The waxing lady was.
As I assumed the position on the chair, I assured her we didn't need to get crazy.
"We're not going on a beach honeymoon here, I'm pushing a kid out, so no need to go all Brazilian on my ass," I assure her. "Let's just make it presentable so we don't frighten anyone in the delivery room."
The area in question is, how shall we say, a little more sensitive in the last months of pregnancy. Meaning something that could be routine in non-pregnant times takes on a heightened sense of agony when with child. Agony meaning one's ass could theoretically leap several inches off the table when the wax is unceremoniously ripped from one's sensitive, flower-like skin.
And discussing your Thanksgiving dinner plans during this procedure will not take your mind off of what is actually happening. In fact, you might develop some strange sort of PTSD when it comes to gravy. Let's hope that's not the case.
If anyone wants to hit the beach, I am so in. Just let me know and I can dig my ever-so-fetching maternity swimsuit out of my drawer. The maternity swimsuit I bought when I was pregnant with Jack. The maternity swimsuit I have never worn.
I really hope the residents, med students, doctors, nurses and other 57 people who always attend a delivery appreciate my efforts.
That means all systems are go for the big cerclage removal this Friday. I couldn't be more excited to have someone insert a speculum, dig around in the tissue of my cervix with a pair of tweezers and snip a 5 mm piece of wire with a very sharp pair of scissors. Oh, and all without the aid of painkillers or nerve blocks. I am SO looking forward to it!
In addition to the cervix feel-up I got this morning, I was able to add on the awesome fun of a bikini wax this afternoon. Did I mention this was a bikini wax when I am 36 weeks pregnant?
Now, you might think to yourself, "Why in the hell would she subject herself to that kind of nonsense when no one is even going to notice?" The answer would be because when you're 36 weeks pregnant, you can't see your own feet, much less your groin. I have no idea what is going on down there, so I needed to entrust the care of it to a professional.
My waxer is someone I have seen before, so it's not like we're strangers, but there's just something about exposing your entire bottom half, a bottom half that is swollen beyond the point of believability, to another person. Christ, not even Josh has seen me that naked in the last few weeks. But then again, I didn't pay him $50, so really, he was under no obligation to do so. The waxing lady was.
As I assumed the position on the chair, I assured her we didn't need to get crazy.
"We're not going on a beach honeymoon here, I'm pushing a kid out, so no need to go all Brazilian on my ass," I assure her. "Let's just make it presentable so we don't frighten anyone in the delivery room."
The area in question is, how shall we say, a little more sensitive in the last months of pregnancy. Meaning something that could be routine in non-pregnant times takes on a heightened sense of agony when with child. Agony meaning one's ass could theoretically leap several inches off the table when the wax is unceremoniously ripped from one's sensitive, flower-like skin.
And discussing your Thanksgiving dinner plans during this procedure will not take your mind off of what is actually happening. In fact, you might develop some strange sort of PTSD when it comes to gravy. Let's hope that's not the case.
If anyone wants to hit the beach, I am so in. Just let me know and I can dig my ever-so-fetching maternity swimsuit out of my drawer. The maternity swimsuit I bought when I was pregnant with Jack. The maternity swimsuit I have never worn.
I really hope the residents, med students, doctors, nurses and other 57 people who always attend a delivery appreciate my efforts.
Labels: Incompetent Cervix, Pregnancy
posted by Amy at
8:11 PM
9 Comments:
You are so freaking brave.
I'm with Sarah - brave may be an understatement though! It's so nice you are thinking of others though!
I'm sure this is soooo wrong, but I'm laughing my rear end off on your waxing pain...
Glad to read all is well with the non-dialation activity! Hope all goes well tomorrow with your cerclage removal!
oh my, you are a determined one. Never subjected myself to that kind of pain.
This is so funny, With all four of my babies, I thought about this before hand, and never really got around to it...and when "The Moment" came, I could have cared LESS!
I did that too before my second child. You can't shave what you can't see.
I did the same thing before I had my little girl. And you are absolutely right about the more intense pain. Holy crap! Hopefully I won't remember how much it hurts this time around. I have 6 months to forget, right? :)
you're too funny. my down there were pretty much out of sight out of mind to me, but I at least got pedicures :)
I bet that you are the only one with a cleaned up down there, and that the nurses and doctors appreciate it, even if they don't comment on it. I watched my sister give birth, and um. . . she hadn't waxed. WOW. I went for the c-section.
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