Wipe out

Recently, I realized that having a fully potty-trained child (a must for Jack's new school) doesn't just mean they need to be able to pee and poop on their own. It also means they need to be able to wipe themselves. Not such a big deal if you have a kid who only poops once a day, but when you have the Incredible Pooping Machine like I do, this presents a challenge.

I have asked his pediatrician about this, but he says as long as he's healthy and growing, the prolific pooping isn't a problem. I still suspect it's a dairy intolerance, but I am too lazy to take him off all dairy and besides, I am not a crazy person. Taking away cheese and yogurt is like taking away more than half his diet and I am not up for trying to find substitutes (we don't do soy in our house, so not an option) and I really can't spare the brain power it would take to search labels and make sure there wasn't a drop of dairy to be found. Plus my pediatrician says not to take him off milk, so pfffft!

Since he's been pooping in the potty, an adult has always handled the wiping aspect. We found these awesome flushable wipes from Cottonelle (and they're nice for adults, too!) and somehow Jack started calling them Special Wipes and we stocked a box in all three bathrooms and brought them with us in the diaper bag and my purse for bathroom outings outside the house.

But about three weeks ago, I had to face some things. First, we couldn't very well send Jack to school with a box of Special Wipes. The other kids would totally make fun of him. And second, we better teach him to wipe himself because it could be all kinds of awful if he didn't know what to do and just did nothing at all.

So we told him to start wiping himself. Which he did, with serious consideration and careful practice. I am pleased to report the visions I had of poop-smeared toilet seats, toilet bases, walls, sinks and floors did not materialize.

He also adjusted quite nicely to regular old toilet paper. Except for the fact he uses way too much of it. When I say "way too much" please know I really mean "half a roll." I am scared for my plumbing, but Costco is going to love us because we're going through a roll a day in a single bathroom now.

Today, I found out exactly why we're going through that much TP. When Jack emerged from the bathroom late this afternoon, there was a large wet spot on the back of his shorts. Curious to know exactly how that happened, I asked him.

"Mommy," he said, with great animation, "I just take the toilet paper out of the water and I swish it all around the toilet seat!"

I'm sorry, what did you just say? Why would you do that? And the scariest question of all: then what happened?

"Well, Mommy, then I flush it all down the toilet! There was water EVERYWHERE!"

And indeed, there was. So there's six-months-pregnant Mommy on her hands and knees swabbing the poop deck. Literally.