Sleep-away summer cramp

Yesterday's big cerclage procedure was so much fun I have decided to never do it again! Technically, that is true, but really, I will never have it done again because I am never going to be pregnant again. But it was oh so much fun. You know, as fun as surgery on your cervix can be.

I checked in at OB Triage two hours before my surgery at 11 a.m. The nurse was taking my history and almost jumped out of her seat when I said it was my third cerclage. She was incredulous that not only did I have two previously, but that both were successful. Makes you feel real confident when the nursing staff expresses surprise. Like "No way! That worked? I'll be damned!"

So after getting the IV started, we just hung out waiting to go upstairs to the Labor and Delivery floor. While I was neither in labor nor delivering, that's where the OR is located, so we just overlooked that little detail.

While we were waiting, Josh looked pained and when I asked him what was wrong, he said that he was hungry. Not that I felt bad for him, he added hastily. He would be quite right, considering I had not eaten for the same amount of time as him and I am pregnant. And would not be eating for another two hours. Guess who went across the street to get some pizza? Hint: not the one with the IV in her arm.

They had me walk upstairs about 12:30 p.m. Apparently, you don't even rate a wheelchair when you have surgery at 14 weeks. Once I got settled into a room, they had the anesthesiologist come in to take another medical history. He too was very impressed with my cerclage track record. I am a living medical miracle.

Five minutes after my scheduled 1 p.m. kickoff, I was escorted into the ER. My last sight of Josh was of him on his computer. Just as I predicted. I am going to pretend he was Googling cerclage success stories and looking up the nearest florist.

Once in the OR, kept at a toasty 60 degrees, I sat on the table and they got started on administering my spinal. Numbing shot to the spine, pressure from the needle and in minutes my legs were numb and we were ready to go. They laid me down on the table, arranged my legs juuuuust so in the heavy-duty leg-encasing stirrups and bathed me in that lovely yellow crap they use to sterilize people for surgery.

My doctor walked in a few minutes later and I reminded him that HE needed to be the stitcher, not the resident. He assured me the resident would only be observing and we got down to business. There were jokes all around and everyone was in a chipper mood. Not even 10 minutes later, they were taking the gloves off and telling me everything went great. My doctor said the third cerclage was the best one yet because he could see the indentations on my cervix from the first two, so he just played connect the dots. I do so love a good coloring book game!

After going back to the recovery room and asking immediately for lunch, we settled in to wait for the spinal to wear off. With cerclage No. 2, I was in a great deal of pain while the spinal wore off because I wasn't able to pee. I begged them to put the catheter back in and they said no twice before I practically commanded them to do so. They apologized after taking out 36 ounces of liquid from my poor little bladder. This time, my doctor OK'd them leaving a catheter in until the medicine fully wore off.

So we waited. And waited. And waited some more. Most people can get up and move around after four hours. At the four-hour mark, I couldn't even feel my ass. Hard to move when you can't make your butt leave the bed. After playing the longest game of Scrabble ever (where Josh used the word "veeps" which I still say is a total bullshit Scrabble word) we were STILL waiting for me to be able to move.

This was making Josh very nervous as he hoped to attend the Cubs-Sox game that night. At 6:30 p.m. I told him there was no way -- I still couldn't walk. But the baseball Gods were on his side and the game was postponed because of rain. Yes, my husband was going to dump me at home after I just had someone drive a truck through my girlie parts to go watch a game featuring two teams he doesn't even like. The only reason I said he could go was because my dad was going to go too and he's a Sox fan. It was all for my dad, I tell ya.

At 7:45 p.m. -- almost seven hours after the surgery -- I finally felt like I could move and the nurse took out my catheter. A few minutes later I was doing a victory dance in the bathroom after I successfully peed. That was the magic thing I needed to do to be able to go home, so we were about to be on our merry way. We finally walked out the door at 8:45 and I was able to be in pain in my own home by 9 p.m.

Since then, I've been in a lot of pain. My cervix is not pleased with this turn of events, but Tylenol every five hours has helped. Tonight I was starting to move around a lot better and felt a little more normal. Spotting is non-existent so far, which is awesome.

The grandmas are taking turns watching the kids and looking after me and Josh is working and being appropriately helpful and thoughtful. The children don't appear to think it's odd that Mommy is hiding upstairs in her bed most of the day. Jack knows he has to be very careful around Mommy, which means no roughhousing, and Emmie is already pissed that I can't pick her up. Oh is she ever in for a surprise. I will take it easy the rest of the week and see my doctor for a followup next Wednesday. All in all, this was easy. Well, as easy as surgery can be.