New meaning to "grab me a cold one"

Yesterday afternoon, the kids and my mom and I were all playing in the living room after naptime when Jack announced he wanted his milk. Because he is growing about an inch a day lately, he can now reach the shelf in the fridge and get his own cup. This is no small feat, as we have a lower freezer door, making the shelf a pretty good stretch for him, but it makes it a lot easier for me to not have to get up off my ass and get his cup for him. Score!

He ran over and opened the door and his movements caught Emmie's attention. She toddled on in to see what was going on and was delighted to find the refrigerator open. She so enjoys checking out the goods and likes the cool breeze on her face. I think she's secretly trying to figure out how to get to the wine, but I'll worry about that when she's taller.

As she walked around the door, I saw Jack get that look in his eye. You know the one, every kid has it. The look that says nothing good can come out of what is about to transpire.

He let her walk a little closer to him and then even guided her in a little closer with his hand on her back. And then he slammed the door on her head.

I screamed and ran the three feet to the fridge where he was standing with a smile on his face and she was sucking air to begin the loudest scream I have ever heard. I grabbed her and told him to get out of the room -- NOW. I was so shaken up by his behavior that I just sat and held Emmie for a few seconds, contemplating what to do.

Immediately after she calmed down, I held him in my lap and asked him why on earth he would have done such a thing? What was he feeling inside when he did that? Didn't he know that was not nice and very dangerous and that he hurt Emmie very badly?

He didn't care. He just laughed and tried to run away from me. My next move was to the computer, where I Googled "violent 3-year-old" and got nothing helpful.

It was then that I noticed a raised, red scratch running from Emmie's ear, down her neck, all the way around to the back of her head. Then I got super pissed. I took her downstairs to show Josh, who told me perhaps I should have been watching them more closely. I'm sorry -- what?

I attended a discipline seminar today and asked specifically what you are supposed to do when your 3-year-old slams your 15-month-old's head in the refrigerator door. The therapist said to calm the child who was hurt and then tell the other child that we don't do that and it's not acceptable. Then, you drop it. No time-out, no yelling, no threats.

Clearly those things have not been working for us either. But how do you let your older one beat the living hell out of your younger one without punishment? How does he learn consequences if all you do is shake your head and say, "No, no. We don't hit. How about a hug?"

Clearly I am simplifying. They say that kids this age are so caught up in wanting their autonomy and imagine someone ordering you around all day and night, telling you when to sleep and when to eat and when to leave the park and when to use the bathroom. You might get pissy too, but at least you have the words to express yourself and to identify your emotions. They don't. Hence, the hell of raising a 3-year-old. So they recommend giving as many choices as possible, being empathetic and redirecting anger when it flares. They believe time-outs only work because you are demonstrating you are bigger and stronger than they are. And in the end, they can't differentiate between bad behavior and being a bad person. So they see time-out as something that happened because they are a bad person.

So let's see: no time-out, no yelling, no sending him to his room (they said that will only make his attention-grabbing antics escalate) and no threatening. That's all I got, folks. That's my parenting bag of tricks. Have any of you had experience -- good or bad -- with Positive Discipline or Gentle Discipline? Please do share!