Getting on with it
Over the past several months, there have been a few events that made me pause and think about how lucky I am. I have two beautiful, healthy children. I have a wonderful husband who makes me laugh and makes it possible for us to have the life we have. I have a supportive family and awesome friends. I have it all.
And in an instant, that could change. I know that. And it's always when you hear about something awful -- the death of a child, a little girl choking, a young father losing his wife the day after their baby is born -- that you take stock in your life.
After my friend Jenny nearly lost her adorable little CiCi to choking, I vowed I would appreciate each and every minute with my kids. And for a while, I did. I was serenity personified. Jack flung a bowl of peas and carrots at my head the next night and I thought to myself, "It's fine. It's just vegetables. He's 3. And I am lucky to have him." I just smiled and asked if he wanted dessert.
But then the minutes turned to hours and I wasn't as mindful of how lucky I was. Emmie was waking up in the middle of the night screaming and I was annoyed. Jack would kick me and I would send him to timeout. And real life descended on me once again.
I have to admit: I am kind of obsessed with Matt Logelin's blog. Josh jokes that I have a dad crush on him. But I just love reading about his Maddy and his experiences with single fatherhood as a widow. And I always think to myself, "That could have been Josh." And it makes me so sad to think about. How on earth would Josh have raised Jack on his own while grieving the loss of his wife?
Again, for a day or two after reading his blog for the first time, I really thought about how lucky I was. I was thoughtful with Josh, bought him his favorite licorice from Trader Joe's for no reason. Let him sleep in. Encouraged him to go out with his friends. But then a few days passed and I was back to bitching about him being on the computer all the time and nagging him to pick the freaking sock lint up off the floor. What the hell is the deal with his sock lint anyway? It appears only on his side of the bed, always from his black socks and it drives me BATSHIT CRAZY that he doesn't see it or doesn't care. But this is a perfect of example of what I am talking about: really, sock lint? I am bitching about sock lint? Matt Logelin would probably give anything to have his wife leave sock lint next to the bed.
A few days ago, I learned that a little girl, Maddie Spohr, had died. And it was horrifying. Again, I vowed to hug my kids a little tighter. And then Emmie was head-butting me during a tantrum and Jack was peeing on the toilet seat on purpose and I was yelling at Josh that he was talking on the phone instead of playing with the kids when he got home from work.
Shitty things happen to good people. It sucks. And I wish I was a better person who took these lessons and actually made life changes based on them. Or even that I could lie and tell you that I did. I am trying, and I guess that's a start.
It hit me this morning; that is life. Life is not sunshine and rainbows and unicorns. Life is being exasperated with your kids. It's being annoyed with your husband. It's sending your calls to voicemail because you don't feel like talking. It's taking five extra minutes after your shower to just be alone in the bathroom. It's looking forward to naptime.
But just because you do those things, doesn't mean you don't love your kids or your husband or your family or your friends. To me, real life is tragic and wonderful and fun and scary and boring and unpredictable all at the same time. And real life means sometimes you are going to lose your shit and yell but then turn around and pick up your kids and tickle them until they laugh themselves into the hiccups.
The fine line between those emotions is what makes me a parent. It's what makes me a wife. And it's what makes me real. Those moms who never yell, never sleep in past 5 a.m. and never complain about having to clean up pee off the floor are not real moms. They're not even real people.
And in an instant, that could change. I know that. And it's always when you hear about something awful -- the death of a child, a little girl choking, a young father losing his wife the day after their baby is born -- that you take stock in your life.
After my friend Jenny nearly lost her adorable little CiCi to choking, I vowed I would appreciate each and every minute with my kids. And for a while, I did. I was serenity personified. Jack flung a bowl of peas and carrots at my head the next night and I thought to myself, "It's fine. It's just vegetables. He's 3. And I am lucky to have him." I just smiled and asked if he wanted dessert.
But then the minutes turned to hours and I wasn't as mindful of how lucky I was. Emmie was waking up in the middle of the night screaming and I was annoyed. Jack would kick me and I would send him to timeout. And real life descended on me once again.
I have to admit: I am kind of obsessed with Matt Logelin's blog. Josh jokes that I have a dad crush on him. But I just love reading about his Maddy and his experiences with single fatherhood as a widow. And I always think to myself, "That could have been Josh." And it makes me so sad to think about. How on earth would Josh have raised Jack on his own while grieving the loss of his wife?
Again, for a day or two after reading his blog for the first time, I really thought about how lucky I was. I was thoughtful with Josh, bought him his favorite licorice from Trader Joe's for no reason. Let him sleep in. Encouraged him to go out with his friends. But then a few days passed and I was back to bitching about him being on the computer all the time and nagging him to pick the freaking sock lint up off the floor. What the hell is the deal with his sock lint anyway? It appears only on his side of the bed, always from his black socks and it drives me BATSHIT CRAZY that he doesn't see it or doesn't care. But this is a perfect of example of what I am talking about: really, sock lint? I am bitching about sock lint? Matt Logelin would probably give anything to have his wife leave sock lint next to the bed.
A few days ago, I learned that a little girl, Maddie Spohr, had died. And it was horrifying. Again, I vowed to hug my kids a little tighter. And then Emmie was head-butting me during a tantrum and Jack was peeing on the toilet seat on purpose and I was yelling at Josh that he was talking on the phone instead of playing with the kids when he got home from work.
Shitty things happen to good people. It sucks. And I wish I was a better person who took these lessons and actually made life changes based on them. Or even that I could lie and tell you that I did. I am trying, and I guess that's a start.
It hit me this morning; that is life. Life is not sunshine and rainbows and unicorns. Life is being exasperated with your kids. It's being annoyed with your husband. It's sending your calls to voicemail because you don't feel like talking. It's taking five extra minutes after your shower to just be alone in the bathroom. It's looking forward to naptime.
But just because you do those things, doesn't mean you don't love your kids or your husband or your family or your friends. To me, real life is tragic and wonderful and fun and scary and boring and unpredictable all at the same time. And real life means sometimes you are going to lose your shit and yell but then turn around and pick up your kids and tickle them until they laugh themselves into the hiccups.
The fine line between those emotions is what makes me a parent. It's what makes me a wife. And it's what makes me real. Those moms who never yell, never sleep in past 5 a.m. and never complain about having to clean up pee off the floor are not real moms. They're not even real people.
Labels: It's all about me
posted by Amy at
10:48 AM
13 Comments:
great post Amy. Very thought provoking. Thanks for reposting those blogs about Cici and Matt, I followed them in the past and when I had to reboot my comp I couldn't remember the name of those blogs. We should all live every day to the fullest and as if it were our last. Sometimes when I leave to go run errands and leave the kids with hubby, I feel bad if I didn't hug and kiss the kids goodbuy. You are right about your insight on life, and I think your kids and Josh would both agree you're a wonderful, loving, caring and nurturing wife and mommy.
have a great weekend =)
I noticed that after your kid threw his veggies you offerred dessert. Maybe he wouldn't be such a brat if you didn't reward his bad behavior.
It's also nice to see that you're finally realizing you've got it good instead of bitching about going on a plane to disney with a cold after you just came back from an exotic vacation. That post ticked me off to no end. I'm a single mother barely getting by because my a**hole husband didn't understand the meaning of wedding vows. What's a vacation?
I love this post. I follow those blogs as well and I feel profoundly guilty for losing it with my kids because I know am very lucky to have them and get to be with them day in and day out and yet.....we're only human.
I try to be the best mom I can be but sometimes my grade for effort wouldn't be as high as I want it to be. I wish I had unending patience, but I don't.
(And for the record - I'm glad I'm not as bitter and jealous as Kerri. :) Yeah yeah - I know. Low blow but WOW!)
Wow, great post. It says so succinctly the things I've been trying to say for months. We are all human. We make mistakes, we try and then unfortunately, we tend to repeat them. Today, I was discussing my mood with my son. I commented in children's terms that I think I'm getting PMS. He said no, he's just discovered that if Mommy gets what she wants she's happy. If not, then no ones happy. How's that for out of the mouth of babes? And I assure you, we don't use that old line in our house. We try to make each other happy equally. We are all equal parts of this family. Now, there are times when we tell our son that conversations are not his business, if we wanted him to know, we would speak loud enough for him to hear. But everyone's right to happiness is equal. Unless you are banging and tapping continuously at 6 a.m. waking up Mommy who finally got to sleep at 3 a.m. :>
This post has been removed by the author.
Well put.
I agreed with everything you wrote. I have the same things happen. I am effected by the blogs of many. I also get effected by church when I got in the same way. But then I go back to life and bitching at Todd or frustrated with Katie. I am human.
Don't worry, Amy - I lose my shit all the time - I promise!
And we definitely are back to "normal" even though it's not the same - and life goes on, good and bad - and I think sometimes I'm very happy to complain about the little stuff, because that means that it's just little stuff, and there's thankfully no "big" stuff going on!
I came across your blog through Jennsylvania (I just finished the author's book, Bitter is the New Black) and I'm glad I did.
Earlier today I yelled at my kids, stomped my foot (yes, it's true), and felt steam rising off the back of my neck. I opened my bible, "Caring for Your Baby and Young Child", flipped to the age appropriate section and started reading quietly in my corner.
Afterwards, I hugged my kids, apologized for yelling and vowed to be a better, pulled together mommy. All the while, looking at the clock anticipating the nap time count down.
Thanks for the laugh. Sometimes I feel like I'm the only one that hides in my bathroom for a much needed break.
Nap times over. Back to work.
va⋅ca⋅tion
/veɪˈkeɪʃən, və-/Pronunciation [vey-key-shuhn, vuh-]
–noun
1. A vacation is what Jesus gives Amy because he loves Amy more than he loves you.
2. There is no number 2.
I <3 Meg
love this post. So true, so honest.
And who the hell let in the Bitter Betty?
fantastic post. I'm a single mom, but luckily, i'm not as bitter as the other commenter on this post. your blog rings true on so many things, and this one has really made my day...thanks :-)
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