I need catcher's equipment

A chest protector, mask, helmet and shin guards would definitely be in order for me these days. That would be because I am the punching bag for my son and I need to protect myself.

It was so bad this week that I actually considered spanking him. I didn't -- and that's the important thing -- but I had almost reached the end of my rope.

If he wasn't hitting me, he was kicking me. In the face. Or the boob. Have you been kicked in the boob while you are lactating? It really freaking hurts, let me tell you. It didn't matter if I was one-on-one with him during Emmie's nap or if we were all playing together. The end result was always the same: me getting injured and him getting a timeout.

At one point, I was sitting with him on the kitchen floor -- just the two of us -- and he was pretending to make pasta sauce for Daddy. We were having a grand time. The next thing I knew, I was lying on the floor and seeing stars. My 2-year-old literally laid me out with a Tuuperware mug to the nose. I had tears in my eyes and I said to him, "Look, Mommy is crying! You hurt Mommy."

His response? He laughed at me.

Which worries me somewhat. I have a kid who delights in causing pain. Great. This ought to go over super at preschool. But you know, it's actually not a concern. Because he only delights in causing harm to me and Emmie. He sometimes hits Josh, but I would say it's extremely rare he hits anyone else. I have never seen him hit his little friend we have playdates with once a week.

I know, I know. He's pissed at us for bringing Emmie here. I get that. But it's still heart-breaking to see that look in his eye and just know he's coming right for me. I reflexively pull my head back and put my arm up when he starts squirming around me now. And I hate it.

I have tried everything I know. I do 2-minute timeouts (unless I am nursing, then he goes to the naughty mat by himself and we count to 10). I have yelled right in his face. I have calmly said, "No hit." I have tried talking to him and telling him Mommy doesn't hurt him, why would he want to hurt Mommy? I have even tried walking away from him and sitting on the other side of the gate for a minute. But none of it is working.

Josh thinks the solution is easy. We just give a timeout every time. But let's be practical. I can't give a proper timeout when he smacks me in the cart at Whole Foods. Nor when he kicks me as I am getting his pajamas on for bed. Nor when I have the other kid on the boob and he's smacking her in the head.

So I'll just be over here cowering in the corner. I know this too shall pass, but probably not before I get a black eye.