Garish at any size

I had to exchange some maternity clothes this weekend, which meant I had to actually shop for and try on maternity clothes. Which, holy hell, is there anything worse?

During my pregnancy with Jack, I shopped only a couple of times before I was relegated to the bed. There was really no need for a wardrobe outside of yoga pants and T-shirts, so the two pairs of jeans and handful of tops were fine for my doctor's appointments and for the end of the line, when I had about a month to go out and enjoy myself.

This pregnancy, I got a bunch of new T-shirts, two pairs of casual cargo pants and a couple sweaters from Old Navy. I added one more pair of jeans and a dressy dress and now I have a pretty respectable maternity wardrobe.

Oh let me sing you the praises of Old Navy maternity: inexpensive, trendy and did I say inexpensive? I got short-sleeved T-shirts for $5.99 that I wear allllll the time and while I abhor going all the way downtown or to the burbs to see their selections in person, it's been worth it. My Old Navy that is four blocks away, sadly, does not carry maternity. Boo hoo for me.

So outside of Old Navy and a couple higher-end boutiques in my neighborhood, I really don't venture too much into maternity sections. But twice now, once at Motherhood and this weekend at a department store, I have perused the racks.

Holy loud prints and tenty-styles batman. There is nothing out there that is not either a large-scale geometric print or hot pink and turquoise, sometimes at the same time. I am not really sure how that is supposed to make pregnant women feel attractive or even remotely sexy, but it sure doesn't do it for me.

I tend to fall into the "form-fitting black shirt and Seven maternity jeans" uniform during pregnancy. Hell, take out the adjective "maternity" in that sentence and it sums up my whole wardrobe when I am not pregnant as well. I detest baggy maternity shirts -- you know the ones, they look like tents and make you look 10 times bigger than you actually are -- and will not wear them.

Don't even get me started about buying maternity clothes in my second pregnancy to begin with. I feel so guilty, like I am wasting money. But ... wait for it ... we're not entirely 100 percent certain that two children will be the end of the road for us. I know! Crazy high-risk pregnant woman considering a third child. Film at 11. But for now, it's just an option. Let's move on, shall we?

So this weekend really scared me. I had about five racks to choose from and I think I found four things to try on. I came away with two: a cute black cardigan and a print shirt that is allllllmost form-fitting. But it shows off the cleavage, so it will do.

But could someone please tell the mass clothing manufactures out there: less is more when you are smuggling a basketball in your stomach. No need for people to see me coming three blocks away. Just give me some neutral colors in fitted styles and we'll all be happier in the end.